BIGFOOT REAL?????

On Wednesday, the FBI released a set of documents related to their investigating a group’s claim that they found hairs that fell from Bigfoot, the legendary creature that supposedly roams, or roamed, the forests of the West.

The material is fairly light at just 22 pages, and seems to dismiss the idea that Bigfoot exists, or at least that the sample hairs reviewed belong to him. According to a newly released FBI internal memo, a study of the sample found that “the hairs are of deer family origin.”

First, let’s be honest about the cryptid we’re discussing here: Of all the monsters purportedly lurking in the shadows, Bigfoot is clearly a bottom-tier beast. Why anyone would spend their time obsessing over a hairy ape-man, or going to the lengths of setting up elaborate traps, is beyond me. I don’t mean to belittle those who do; rather, I’d simply ask, why exert the energy on Bigfoot and not, say, the bunyip, or the kraken, or Nessie, or even the Southern version of Bigfoot, the Honey Island Swamp monster? All superior, far more menacing and mysterious cryptids.

That said, the FBI hasn’t (yet) made any documents on those creatures public. But according to the docs the bureau released today, Assistant Director Jay Cochran was the main point of contact for the Bigfoot-seekers—Cochran was a bureau man through and through, having worked for the FBI for 27 years. According to his obituary, the Bigfoot study would’ve fallen just three years before he stepped down from the FBI. Interesting timing, some might opine.

Here is the inquiring letter from Peter Bryan, director of the Bigfoot Information Center, that pulled the FBI into this mess:

A photocopy of the 15 hairs in question:

The sobering conclusion, addressed to Howard Curtis, of the Academy of Applied Sciences in Boston:

And, finally, the memo laying it all out:

As my Deadspin colleague pointed out, the Bureau tends to only release such files following an individual’s (or a creature’s) death, or, if they are a controversial figure, after a predetermined amount of time has passed. All I’m saying is, despite the so-called scientific conclusions you just read, I’d keep your third eye open for that lumbering hairy sonofabitch.