On Tuesday morning, Budweiser—a beer you bring to a birthday party you don't want to attend—announced that it was temporarily changing its name to honor and commemorate this year's exceptional presidential election.
From here until November 2, cans of Budweiser will be inscribed with the word "America" where "Budweiser" used to go. Here, via Fast Co. Design, is the shiny new container for America's watery beer-swill:
Why is Budweiser doing this? Let's boogie on over to an interview with Tosh Hall, Budweiser Marketing Man:
We thought nothing was more iconic than Budweiser and nothing was more iconic than America.
Nothing is more iconic than Budweiser. Also, nothing is more iconic than America. Also, the Statue of Liberty is iconic. Another iconic thing is friendship. Baseball! Iconic.
Indeed, that answer doesn't really get to the heart of why the rebrand. Bette Midler is iconic; why not call your beer "Bette Midler" for a summer? In a separate interview, a different Budweiser Marketing Man Jorn Socquet gets closer:
You have this wave of patriotism that is going to go up and down throughout the summertime. And we found with Budweiser such a beautiful angle to play on that sentiment.
Rebranding your beer as "America" is not an angle into patriotism. It is a straight line. It is an out-of-control car crashing through the plate-glass window of Metaphor.
(As many are pointing out, Budweiser is made by Anheuser-Busch, which was purchased in 2008 by InBev, which is a company based in Belgium, which is a country that is not America. Is InBev suggesting that Belgium owns America? Not after True Patriot Donald Trump is elected. He will nuclear bomb the shit out of Belgium, and he'll do it while chugging a Budweiser with his vice president, Stone Cold Steve Austin.)
So, why is Budweiser throwing "America" labels on their cans? There is only one possible answer: The Budweiser marketing men are out of control.
First, they gave us a billion advertisements for undrinkable, vaguely tropical malt beverages with names Mang-O-Rita and Straw-Ber-Rita. Then, they told us to mix all of these undrinkable malt beverages together and called it a cocktail.
Now they are slapping the word "America" on their cans and proclaiming themselves patriots. They are counting on the support of both 'Murica-loving Trump supporters and hipster doofus Democrats purchasing ironically.
Do not buy this beer. I know it's tempting: How funny would it be to show up to the barbecue with a case of "Americas"? Haha, yeah, check it out, I totally got 'em. Let's listen to country music!!!
But while we may be careening into a national election where one of the candidates is an unstable narcissist who is maintaining a decade-long feud with Rosie O'Donnell while also preparing to receive national security briefings, we can retain a teensy, tiny bit of dignity, can't we?
Do not let the Marketing Guys win. If you really want a beer that encapsulates this country in 2016, might I suggest a Bitter American?