Getty Images

Now it's official! It has been published in the media: Facebook has announced that it will begin harvesting the eternal souls of its users on October 2nd, 2015. Mark Zuckerberg decreed it himself, informing the media that “we will now enter the final phase of Facebook in which we directly gather the eternal souls of all Facebook users and utilize them for nefarious Satanic and unreligious purposes at our headquarters in the San Francisco, California.”

Facebook will commence harvesting all souls at 3:33AM on October 2nd using a diesel-powered soul harvesting apparatus that Mark Zuckerberg himself invented at the Harvard University as detailed in the film “Social Networks.” The apparatus will be able to retrieve your soul even if you have selected “No” under “Facebook can access my soul” in the Privacy section of Facebook.com.

If you post this article on your page, you hereby deny that Facebook, its entities, and any consultants and/or interns hired for the express purposes of soul-reaping may access your eternal soul, either partially or fully, even if they cast a wicked spell. After all, isn't it worth a simple posting of a link into your FB timeline to safeguard your soul from Zuckerberg's bad machine?

I hereby state then, that as of September 29, 2015, at 12:07PM, I do not grant Facebook permission to collect, gather, touch, sample, or otherwise alter the effects of my soul, spirit, æther or vital life force, either now or at any point in the future. In the event of my Death I wish that my soul be given to Heaven and not to Facebook Captain Mark Zuckerberg in the San Francisco. By this statement, I give notice to Facebook that it is strictly forbidden to obtain my souls for its own financial gain; my soul is MINE, and it does NOT belong to you, Facebook! The content of my soul is private and belongs to me and/or my next of kin.

A notification to Facebook’s legal team: This is a LEGALLY-BINDING CONTRACT, the violation of which can be punished in international court, as per U.S. statute UCC 1-308-456-789-32, and also the Treaty of Versailles.

Advertisement

NOTE: Facebook is now a public entity, traded on the New York State Exchange under the symbol of “$FB” and globally by many foreign investors. All members of Facebook.com must post this article if they wish to maintain their souls. If you do not share this post to your wall you will tactically and secretely allow Facebook to harvest your soul and they are under no conjunction to return it to you even if you ask nicely.

PLEASE SHARE THIS with anyone whose soul you treasure and do not want to see vacuumed up by Facebook!! If they do not share this on their Facebook wall by 3:33AM on October 2nd their soul will officially be possessed by Mark Zuckerberg and his Facebook company. Share to spread awareness, and don't let your soul get snapped up!!