CPAC Is Off to a Typically Horrifying Start

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It’s that time of the year again: The annual Conservative Political Action Conference is underway just outside of Washington DC, and with it comes the largest concentration of goons, grifters, and complete lunatics this side of an Infowars taping.

Here’s an artist’s rendering:


When CPAC released its terribly designed schedule earlier this week, attendees were given a glimpse at the total horror show that awaited them; a seemingly endless parade of interchangeable Fox News haircuts, alt-right bootlickers, and wealthy raisins eager to warn you about the danger of having health care and a breathable atmosphere. But now that the conference is actually underway, we can actually check in and see just what CPAC’s first day has to offer the American public.

First up was convicted criminal-turned-National Rifle Association president Ollie North, who took the stage just one day after Republicans demanded the American public reject anyone who’d have the audacity of lying to Congress. He got a standing ovation.

North kicked off the conference by urging attendees to “pray for the NRA,” insisting that Democrats “want to confiscate every privately-owned firearm in the country,” and claiming that they “ought to call themselves what they really are: the vanguard of the Disarm America movement.

Wow, off to a great start!

Then, former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker took the stage to spread the anti-abortion lie that some people “take the baby home and kill the baby at home.” Yes, he actually said this out loud.

Next up: Nazi-adjacent former-White House advisor Seb Gorka, come to scare the good little boys and girls with spooOOoOoKy stories about socialism. Specifically, the part where Socialists hate Big Macs, apparently.


They want to rebuild your home! They want to take away your hamburgers!” Gorka exclaimed to a smattering of applause. “This is what Stalin dreamt about, but never achieved.”

Because, if Stalin is known for anything, it’s for his undying hatred of: capitalism, doctors, and Five Guys.

Rounding out the morning was an appearance by mustachioed pillow boy Mike Lindell, who claimed that “god had chosen” President Donald Trump “for such a time as this.”


“A miracle happened on Nov. 8, 2016,” Lindell said. “We were given a second chance and time granted to get our country back on track with our conservative values and getting people saved in Jesus’ name.”

“As I stand before you today, I see the greatest president in history. Of course he is. He was chosen by God,” Lindell continued.

Keep in mind, the sole reason Lindell is at CPAC is that he got rich selling expensive pillows—for which he was forced to shell out $1 million in settlement money after falsely claiming they could cure a host of medical ailments.


All this before noon on day one of a four day long conference. And from the looks of things, it’s only going to get worse from here on out.