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Multibillionaire Hollywood mogul David Geffen is America’s single most selfish philanthropist. If you can imagine such a thing! Every fucking thing David Geffen does or says regarding philanthropy drives home the fact that David Geffen sucks!

Most people think of “charity” as “giving money to help other people.” For billionaires like David Geffen, charity means something more like “advertising for David Geffen.” He gives away hundreds of millions of dollars (which he certainly won’t miss)—but the purpose of these donations is not to feed the hungry or remediate the sort of inequality that creates billionaire Hollywood moguls; rather, it is all designed to A) Demonstrate David Geffen’s incredible selflessness to the world, B) Erect gaudy public monuments to David Geffen, and, as a corollary, C) Demonstrate also that David Geffen has absolutely no sense of priorities as to what the world’s actual problems are. The sort of loot he gives away could literally save millions of lives, if given to the right charitable organizations. Instead, David Geffen gives his money to things like a private middle school for college professors’ kids and cultural institutions that cater to the rich.

And all of it, of course, must have David Geffen’s name plastered on it. Or no deal.

That is the context, okay? And what the fuck is David Geffen doing now, to reinforce everything said above? He is—if you can fucking believe this—lecturing other wealthy people and calling them “shameful” for failing to donate $400 million for a “renovation of the New York Philharmonic’s Home, David Geffen Hall, a project to which he had donated $100 million.”

(In a fit of pique he turned around and donated a nine-figure sum to another fancy ass museum in Los Angeles which will naturally, honor him with the “David Geffen Galleries.”)

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Nobody wanna donate their money to renovate your stupid concert hall motherfucker! Maybe they gave their money to actual poor people! Ever think of that, dickhead?! I’ll tell you something “shameful”—effectively reducing a charitable donation by $15 million solely because you wanted to put your own fucking name on a building and you had to buy off the family of the last guy with his name on a building. That’s some shameful shit! You shameless fuck! If you gave that $15 mil to the Against Malaria Foundation you could have saved five thousand human lives. Instead you bought your name on a god damn concert hall for rich people and then had the temerity to scold other rich people for not giving their money to make your personal concert hall nicer. Fuck off, man. You don’t get any credit in heaven for buying your own prestige.

David Geffen is a walking advertisement for the estate tax.