Dumb Starbucks Man: I'm Basically Bernie, Too

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Welcome to a guest edition of Dumb Starbucks Man, the series where we examine the very dumb things that Howard Schultz keeps saying as he pretends to run for president.


Feb. 19

Weather: Cold again but not as bad as it was a few weeks ago

Dumb Starbucks Man Stupidity Level: Grande Chai Latte, the same as the person in front of you ordered but with skim milk or something making it objectively worse

Hello and welcome to a guest edition of Dumb Starbucks (Man), my colleague Libby’s series where she has accidentally conned herself into actually covering the Howard Schultz campaign based on a joke from a Nathan for You sketch.

Tonight, I regret to inform you, Howard Schultz’s campaign has once again said something dumb and Libby is not online to write about it, so here we are.

By now you are likely aware that Bernie Sanders is running for president again. So is the Howard Schultz campaign, which released a statement earlier tonight acknowledging Bernie’s run for president, implying that socialism was bad, but then also reminding everyone that Schultz gave Starbucks employees stock and helped them pay for college so when you think about it, he’s basically the same as Bernie.

“He offered health care benefits to even part-time employees before any company of that size had, and he created pathways for employees to own stock in the company and get tuition-free college degrees.”


Mr. Starbucks Man, you must make up your mind. Free college: good or bad? Bad when it comes from the government... good when it comes from “pathways for employees” to benefit from a marginally-human corporate structure? I’ve reached out to the Schultz campaign to ask how he would deal with the current student debt crisis and the prohibitive cost of higher education, and I’ll update this post if I hear back.

Contributing Writer, Splinter