Dumb Starbucks Man Makes Smart Decision to Drop Out

Photo: Jon Raedle (Getty)

Welcome to the final edition of Dumb Starbucks Man, the series where we examine the very dumb things that Howard Schultz keeps saying as he pretends to run for president, or in this case drops out of the running for president.

September 6

Weather: Actually lovely, mild temperatures with a bit of drizzle

Dumb Starbucks Man Stupidity Level: Tall Pumpkin Spice

All good things must come to an end. Come to think of it, all bad things must come to an end as well—including Howard Schultz’s presidential campaign. Our very own Dumb Starbucks Man is no longer fake running for president after being sidelined both by unfortunate personal health issues and also utter irrelevancy. Schultz announced his decision on Friday in a letter to supporters (who exist, maybe?):

My belief in the need to reform our two-party system has not wavered, but I have concluded that an independent campaign for the White House is not how I can best serve our country at this time.

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You don’t say????

In the nitty gritty, Schultz breaks down why he’s dropping out, using deeply flawed reasoning one last time to finally arrive at the correct decision (bolding mine):

Statistically and anecdotally, there is an undeniable appetite for meaningful political reform in America. I had hoped to represent this common-sense view, but I’ve come to face a few truths about this moment in time:

[...]

In addition, not enough people today are willing to consider backing an independent candidate because they fear doing so might lead to re-electing a uniquely dangerous incumbent president. There is considerable concern that four more years of a Trump administration pose a graver threat to our democracy than four more years of political dysfunction. I agree, but I’m also concerned that far-left policy ideas being advanced by several Democratic candidates will further alienate voters who believe those ideas will inflict more economic harm than good. The nomination of a far-left Democratic candidate could result in more votes for Trump—unless a moderate independent is also on the ballot.

Unfortunately, election rules in each state and the way this Democratic nomination process has unfolded pose another challenge: It has become more likely that the Democratic nominee will not be known before the deadlines to submit the required number of signatures for an independent to get on the ballot. If I went forward, there is a risk that my name would appear on ballots even if a moderate Democrat wins the nomination, and that is not a risk I am willing to take.

It appears, by Dumb Starbucks Man’s own logic, that the possibility of Joe Biden winning the Democratic Primary is the biggest thing keeping him from prolonging this fool’s errand any longer. Thank goodness for Joe Biden, keeping the hope of an utterly ineffectual moderate Democrat alive in a sea (well, two) of reasonably radical lefty candidates. To Dumb Starbucks man, we say only this: ciao!

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About the author

Jack Crosbie

Contributing Writer, Splinter