Dumb Starbucks Man: Worse Than Jeb

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Welcome to Dumb Starbucks Man, the series where we examine the very dumb things that Howard Schultz keeps saying as he pretends to run for president.

Feb. 7

Weather: Unseasonably Warm

Dumb Starbucks Man Stupidity Level: Tall with an extra shot

The memory of the 2016 election breaks us all out in hives and fits of sobbing, but there were a few bright spots, and none was brighter than Jeb! We miss Jeb and his weird personality, which was clearly completely incompatible with a national presidential campaign in which it’s quite important that people like you. But we’ll always have the memes, and none have proved more resilient than “please clap,” sure to be his epitaph.


Like all things Jeb, you couldn’t quite tell if he was in on the joke or not, but it mattered not: We remember it because of how perfectly it summed up his pathetic campaign as it died, killed by a moron.

Dumb Starbucks Man, in his efforts to make us all hate and ridicule him as much as possible, has resurrected the joke. Only this time, he’s definitely not in on it. During a speech at Purdue University today, Dumb Starbucks Man had to cajole his poor, bored audience into clapping:


According to the New York Times’ Astead Herndon, who was at the speech, the guy was already 20 minutes in and had not yet received any “real applause” when he busted out the ol’ “tell the audience to clap for you” routine.

Worst of all: The speech “drew an online audience that topped off at 200 people,” according to Mediaite.


Sad? Endearing? Funny? No. He’s just a dumbass.