Eat the Rich, Start With This Guy

This image was removed due to legal reasons.

Meet Ian. Ian has some well-timed, perfectly normal thoughts on the evolution of humans.


Over the weekend, a woman that works as a housekeeper for one of the ultra-wealthy families that populates New York City’s Upper East Side was stuck in an elevator for roughly 72 hours. It was almost assuredly absolute hell.

Thankfully, the woman was rescued Monday morning when the family returned and noticed their elevator was stuck between the second and third floors (of their multi-million dollar home), according to NY1. She was then taken to the hospital where, lord willing, she is now recovering far away from closed-room situations.

The story eventually spread and reporters from the local news stations drove on over to the UES to film some short bits for their spot on the evening news. The interviews should have been simple enough: talk to a couple interested neighbors, hear from city officials, call it a wrap. If only it was that simple.

Rather than just issue a short, “I hope to God she’s OK, that’s crazy” soundbite, our good buddy Ian opted to drone on about the status of human survival instincts in a modern world, because what kind of normal person wouldn’t think to slip in a People Are Too Soft take in a filmed interview about a 53 year old woman being trapped in an elevator for three days?

NY1's Kristen Shaugnessy was quick to protect and contextualize the random man being spit-roasted and prepped for the guillotine, informing her followers that Ian is from Rhode Island and served in the Navy for 24 years, which, is relevant somehow, I’m sure.


Shaughnessy also went on to write that Ian did, at some point, acknowledge the horrific nature of the incident but was just trying to come at things from a Troop perspective, which, cool? It’s obviously ethical and good of the reporter to include some more context, but also, if that’s immediately where your mind goes in this situation, maybe don’t say it out loud and definitely don’t say it to a reporter with a dang cameraperson.


According to NY1, the townhouse is owned by the Stephens family—Warren Stephens is the CEO of an investment bank based in Arkansas and boasts an estimated net worth of $2.6 billion. He and his wife Harriet dropped $8 million renovating the aforementioned swanky Upper East Side townhouse.


Hopefully they’ll carve out some funds for a functioning elevator with an emergency line next time. That or they just stick Ian in there and head off for a vacation of rubbing gold bars on their skin and siphoning off the blood of teens, or whatever it is that the rich do on the weekend.