Elizabeth Warren, Put Your Beautiful Dog in the Trash

Elizabeth Warren is perhaps the most intellectually sound left-wing candidate in a generation. Her moral purpose and keen policy sense could propel her all the way to the White House. There is just one thing she needs to do first: get rid of her fake ass dog—forever.

Why do people like Elizabeth Warren? She is well-informed. She has a clear grasp on the systemic fuckery underlying America’s most contentious issues. She uses that knowledge to bluntly describe solutions drastic enough to match the problems we face. And she doesn’t take huge donations from the rich while doing it. In short, she keeps it real.

Or does she? For all of her honesty and expertise on redistribution of wealth, climate change, and inequality in our educational system, Elizabeth Warren has one very not real Achilles heel. It goes by the name of “Bailey.” It is a “fluffy, cheerful golden retriever.”

Not a real dog.

Look at this fucking dog. Fake ass dog. Go be in a Charmin commercial and leave the politics to real dogs, my friend. (You’re not my friend—I like real dogs and you look like some sort of stuffed animal.)

When did Elizabeth Warren get this disgustingly photogenic stuffed animal ass looking dog? She got this fake ass dog as a “present” from her husband last summer, just before she decided to run for president.

Wow. How very convenient. Wow.

Here is how I know this Starbucks Christmas White Mocha commercial-ass looking dog is not a real dog: if this was a real dog it would have wandered, all dirty and snaggletoothed, into Elizabeth Warren’s life at a most inconvenient time, dragging a dead rat into a big press conference about the Wealth Tax, and captured her heart forever, even as it systematically destroyed her home and political career with its exasperating antics. If it was a real dog, it would have bitten Chuck Schumer on the butt in the midst of delicate budget negotiations, chewed up an electrical wire at the Warren For President launch event, and shit on a copy of the U.S. Constitution in front of television cameras right when the Senator was trying to make an important point. That is what real dogs do. On the other hand, movie prop dogs like “Bailey” go online and make tweets saying “I like long walks, belly rubs, and financial regulations that hold billionaires and corporations accountable.”

Real dogs simply don’t talk that way, Bailey.

I’m sorry to say that this fluffy throw rug-looking dog, which was obviously handpicked by a political consultant who had researched “Most Popular Dog in America” statistics, is the least real thing about Elizabeth Warren. A dog that followed you home from Burger King one day, and lived in your garbage can, and broke into your house, and you couldn’t get it to leave, and finally you were like “Fuck it, fine, you can stay,” and later the dog saved your life by killing a home invader? Fine. That’s a real dog. A dog that looks like the canine embodiment of the term “Cozy Sweater?” That ain’t real. That’s a damn image enhancer. This fake ass Cottonelle blow dried dog is no different than Bill de Blasio showing up in Iowa with a new wardrobe or Chris Christie trying to lose some damn weight. It’s just some fake ass bullshit politicians do to try to seem more likable, more presentable, more electable—less like themselves, in other words.

You don’t need that, Elizabeth Warren. You don’t need a focus-grouped ass fake stuffed animal dog to make people like you. We like you for your lengthy tax policy papers. We like you for your Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. We like you for your commitment to strengthening and modernizing labor law to shift the balance of power away from international capital. That’s that shit we like. We like you for you, Elizabeth Warren. You don’t need that other stuff to be cool.