Emmys 2014: We got as many 'bingos' as OITNB got awards

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Well, we can’t win ’em all. Though we scored big at our favorite retirement home game during Sunday night’s VMAs, we weren’t so lucky at Monday’s Emmy Bingo.

In case you missed it, here’s what the card looked like before the show:

Here’s an overview of what went down during the largely uneventful Emmy Awards:

Complaint about Monday: First-time host Seth Myers kicked off the evening by complaining about getting short shrift on the calendar.

“Modern Family” win: The perennial Emmy recipient took home three more awards, starting with Ty Burrell for Supporting Actor in a Comedy.

“Big Bang Theory” win: Jim Parsons won his three hundredth (ballpark estimate) Emmy for playing Sheldon.

Absent winner: Neither Martin Freeman nor Benedict Cumberbatch felt the need to show up this year, and they both missed getting their statues.

Dead celebrity tribute: Last year’s Emmys got reamed for having as many maudlin montages as they did award categories. This year’s show had a tasteful slideshow followed by a moving tribute to Robin Williams from Billy Crystal.

Marginally funny pretaped segment: The “best director” sequence featured actors discussing the best advice they ever got from the nominees. Louis CK taught a little girl how to hold a joint!

Teleprompter issues: Kate Walsh evidently missed rehearsals — she wasn’t quite sure where to look to announce the “Outstanding Miniseries” award. (“Fargo” won, BTW.)

“Hashtag” said IRL: Chris Hardwick had an inexplicable segment where he thanked Internet trolls — because he does that show about Internet stuff, get it?!? Appropriately, “hashtag” was uttered out loud.

Sexist joke falls flat: While we were trying to debate whether Stephen Colbert’s “ha ha ha, I only have one lady writer” quip qualified, some dude made Sofia Vergara stand on a rotating stage like a piece of rotisserie meat.

Musical number: Weird Al Yankovic made up words to his favorite TV show theme songs. The highlight was when there were more black people on stage doing a “Game of Thrones” parody than have ever appeared on an actual episode of “Game of Thrones.”

There were also some bingo squares we were sad we didn’t have a chance to cross off.

Laverne Cox being flawless: The camera couldn’t cut to her even once?!?

The phrase “raise awareness”: We’re both surprised and pleased that both the VMAs and the Emmys skipped references to the ice bucket challenge.

Netflix show wins TV award: “House of Cards” and “Orange is the New Black” both went home unjustly empty-handed.

Fey/Poehler sight gag: It seemed like Tina Fey didn’t attend, which is a shame, because they’re hilarious, and also because it would have given us bingo.