Eric Trump: Media Down With the Sickness

Screenshot: Fox News (YouTube)

Eric Trump, the larger and blonder of the president’s two adult sons, appeared on Fox News’ Fox & Friends Wednesday morning to absolutely destroy the lamestream media for the sin of ignoring the fact that people at the Iowa State Fair this weekend put handfuls of corn kernels in a bowl representing his dear, sweet papa.

“It’s called the ‘corn kernel poll,’ right? Everybody puts a kernel of corn in the bowl that they like,” Eric explained. “Trump’s bowl was totally overflowing but they’ll actually only show the Democrats.”

Wow, the Democratic National Committee, a shadowy cabal of anti-Trump media overlords in league with Big Corn? How high up does this conspiracy go??

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“Unbelievable, it’s unbelievable,” Eric, who bears a striking resemblance to an ear of corn himself, lamented. “Why does the media hide that?”

He continued:

It’s sick that that has to be narrative in this country, and no one can even talk about it unless somebody comes over with phone, snaps a picture because they happen to be a supporter, and it ends up going viral.

Watch out, free thinkers! They won’t even let you talk about Trump’s stunning corn victory. Will this censorship never end?

Trump’s victory was slightly tempered by the fact that he is only running against former MA Gov. Bill Weld, who received three percent of the kernel votes to the president’s 97 percent, according to local news station 13Now News. Meanwhile, the Democrat’s corn field (ha ha ha) featured two dozen different candidates running in Iowa’s non-corn caucuses next February.

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Also tempering Trump’s blow-out win is, and I cannot stress this enough, the fact that the highly scientific poll was conducted by random fair-goers putting small pieces of corn into different bowls.

Nevertheless, given Eric’s obsession with the clear media bias at play here, it’s curious that he himself neglected to mention the real winner at the Iowa State Fair: Captain, the state’s most enormous hog, who knows how to accept a victory with humility and grace.

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About the author

Rafi Schwartz

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.