Extremely Calm President Trots Out Parade of Staffers to Say How Not Mad He Is

Screenshot: White House (YouTube)

President Donald Trump spoke on Thursday about a new plan to bail out America’s farmers to the tune of $16 billion dollars (socialism?) as his ongoing trade war with China continues to impact the agricultural industry. At least, that was what he was supposed do, but after a speech in which the president whined about House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and rambled about the “flow” of beef, Trump got down to what he really wanted to talk about: How goddamned calm he is.

Calling on staff member after staff member to come forward and speak to reporters, Trump demanded that they testify that he was definitely not mad when he stormed out of a planned infrastructure meeting on Wednesday with Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.

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First was White House adviser Kellyanne Conway, who insisted that Trump was “very calm” in the meeting.

Then, hungry to keep making the case, Trump called on White House adviser Mercedes Schlapp, who described the president as “very calm” and “very direct.”

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Next up was White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow.

“You were very calm, and you laid out the case,” Kudlow sniveled. OK, we get it!!

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And finally, as befit the whole ridiculous affair, Trump called on Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to put the extremely dumb cherry on top.

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Folks? If you learned anything today, it’s this: Trump is very calm. He’s a calm man who radiates calmness. Marvel at his calm demeanor, and sing hallelujah in praise of his calming presence. Calmness reigns.

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Rafi Schwartz

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.