HARK, KINFOLK AND GENTRIFRIENDS! Festival season is upon us, and that means music, food, dirt, sand, some other music, coitus in a tent, more music, and, most importantly, fashion. If you're at a loss for what to wear while arhythmically gyrating to the dulcet sounds of bands like Mason Jar Ennui or The Himalayan Salt Pickle Experience, worry not. We have some advice.
REMEMBER: These shorts should be simultaneously tight and baggy, to best replicate the #fresh look and dance moves of a Greenpoint toddler.
REMEMBER: "Crochet" isn't just a cute name for that aforementioned toddler.
REMEMBER: Anything can be fabric, even certain fabric.
REMEMBER: You are honoring others by adorning yourself in their garb as you shout "OH EM GEE, I freaking love SUPERCHUNK! Use the 'Toaster' filter on Insti, Caleb!"
REMEMBER: Everyone loves a jaunty summer toe.
REMEMBER: Nothing makes Gaia chortle with glee like seeing your glorious tresses matted down by the genitalia of slain flora as you vomit Shiner Bock against a golden sunset.
REMEMBER: Every part of a festival should be a totally transcendent experience, including the use of a Porte au Pottée.