Image by Redfishingboat/Flickr, Art by Alex Alvarez/Fusion

HARK, KINFOLK AND GENTRIFRIENDS! Festival season is upon us, and that means music, food, dirt, sand, some other music, coitus in a tent, more music, and, most importantly, fashion. If you're at a loss for what to wear while arhythmically gyrating to the dulcet sounds of bands like Mason Jar Ennui or The Himalayan Salt Pickle Experience, worry not. We have some advice.

Baggy Diaper Garbage Jorts

REMEMBER: These shorts should be simultaneously tight and baggy, to best replicate the #fresh look and dance moves of a Greenpoint toddler.

Crochet Merkin Warmers

REMEMBER: "Crochet" isn't just a cute name for that aforementioned toddler.

Upcycled Tarp Capelets (Tarplets)

REMEMBER: Anything can be fabric, even certain fabric.

Appropriachic

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REMEMBER: You are honoring others by adorning yourself in their garb as you shout "OH EM GEE, I freaking love SUPERCHUNK! Use the 'Toaster' filter on Insti, Caleb!"

Nightmare Toe Sheaths

REMEMBER: Everyone loves a jaunty summer toe.

Detritus Bonnets

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REMEMBER: Nothing makes Gaia chortle with glee like seeing your glorious tresses matted down by the genitalia of slain flora as you vomit Shiner Bock against a golden sunset.

Darke Vysion Potty Cloaks

REMEMBER: Every part of a festival should be a totally transcendent experience, including the use of a Porte au Pottée.