FIFA's propaganda film "United Passions" predictably tanks, capping off a nightmare week

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Tim Roth is a good, fine actor. He's been in the industry for more than 30 years, appearing in films ranging from Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction to 2008's The Incredible Hulk (the one with Ed Norton). He's also the star of the FIFA-funded United Passions, a (likely fictional) story of how FIFA rose to power, which opened to a whopping $607 this past weekend.

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Oh no! FIFA likely paid Tim Roth a lot of money to do this movie, because a) it is unclear why else Tim Roth would sully his reputation to participate in this obvious propaganda ploy and b) this movie sems terrible.

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Admittedly, I've never seen it—only watched the trailer about six times—but holy crap.

We open with a shot that tells us the movie is a "sélection officielle" of the "festival de Cannes." Oh, wow, it's a Cannes Film Festival selection, it should be good, right? No, it is not good. Do not listen to these lies. They are probably referring to some knockoff Cannes Film Festival.

Then some sappy music plays and we learn that people are playing soccer all over the world, and someone needs to organize them. Who else but… FIFA?? A bunch of white dudes gather in a room and one of them says FIFA in Spanish, AND THEN THEY HOLD HANDS AND CHANT FIFA TOWARDS THE SKY

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But it is not all sunshine and rainbows. There is conflict, and the conflict is…

They need money!

"The accounts are DISASTROUS," says the new president of FIFA, and he slams his hand down on the table.

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Look at Tim Roth asking himself, "What am I doing here, in this terrible movie." Look at homie in the blue suit next to Tim Roth, asking himself, "What am I doing here, on planet Earth."

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Anyway, there's some rich irony going on here, obviously, as ex-FIFA president Sepp Blatter—the man Roth plays in the film—resigned following the arrest of 14 FIFA officials under allegations of corruption two weeks ago. How amusing that the plot of this film involves Blatter making FIFA financially secure (ostensibly toward the end of building a global community of soccer or something along those lines) when, in reality, dude was (allegedly) just lining his pockets with that cash.

"Everything I've done from this point has been for the good of football," says fictional Blatter, sounding now like a desperate plea for someone, anyone to believe him.

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Anyway, FIFA funded 75 percent of this this movie's estimated $27 million budget. Oof.

Michael Rosen is a reporter for Fusion based out of Oakland.

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