Fight Fight Fight!!!!

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Beto O’Rourke is a lot of things—a former shit-poster, a guy who claims to have enjoyed shitty punk rock, a failed Senate candidate, a halfway attractive white dude—and unfortunately, another descriptor to be added to that list is that of seemingly popular presidential candidate.

On Monday, O’Rourke’s campaign announced that he raised a staggering $6.1 million in his team’s first official day of seeking donations for his 2020 bid. The total is more than any of the other Democratic candidates that have thrown their hat in the ring and should serve as a reminder that literally almost nothing happening this early matters much at all. Naturally, the fact that the sentient loaf of bread reigned supreme on the early cash scoop led to at least one very dumb campaign email.


The next Democratic candidate on the list of day-one donations was Bernie Sanders, with the Vermont senator raising $5.9 million in his first day, per the Texas Tribune. Kamala Harris was No. 3 with $1.5 million in the opening 24 hours. Upon the news of O’Rourke’s initial financial success, the Sanders team opened up an email draft and clacked away at a message that pretends not to fret at all while very much fretting about O’Rourke’s chances:


Fight fight fight!

As a reminder: The first Democratic primary is 11 months away, and the 2020 election is one year and eight months away. God help us all, it’s only going to get dumber from here.