Screenshot: Fox News

It seems that every time another school shooting happens, some opportunistic demon has an insane “solution” to deal with this tragic American tradition that completely ignores its most glaring factor—guns.

We’ve seen people propose that students wear clear backpacks to spot guns, that teachers be armed, and that kids be taught CPR for when their friends get shot. These are all bad. But watch out, because there’s a new terrible solution that blows the competition ~out of the water.

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Introducing the BCB Wall Breaker, a bigass compressed air cannon that turns water cooler tanks—yes, like the 5-gallon ones in your office—into ammunition strong enough to tear down walls. It’s designed for for “Special Operations forces,” but Fox News is happy to report that the military grade water cannon can be a solution to school shootings.

In a column and video on the Fox News website, Allison Barrie—a self-described “defense specialist” with a weekly feature called “Fox Firepower”—gushes about the possibilities:

Imagine students barricaded in classrooms with no way to escape. The shooter is roaming the hallways. The only exit is the door to the hallway. If students tried to escape via the hallway, they could be greatly at risk.

Outside the school building, police could roll up these water cannons and quickly punch holes in the walls of every classroom providing large escape holes.

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That’s right, there’s nothing to be said about the guns that allow attackers to do the shooting part of school shootings, but here’s a fucking water cannon to tear a fucking wall down to save students who are being shot at by someone with a gun—which again, is not the problem!

The cannon can also be useful for perpetrator apprehension. An active shooter will expect law enforcement to intervene through doors and windows. With this cannon, law enforcement can fire the cannon at any wall to create their own “door.”

Haha, yes, a “door.” While the allure of the water bottle cannon is its resourcefulness and ability to use an item that most offices have, I’m not quite sure how law enforcement is supposed to access water coolers from inside a building if the building is under lockdown due to an active shooter. Or maybe it’s a BYOWCJ (bring your own water cooler jugs) situation?

This instant access at an unexpected point can provide a crucial element of surprise to stop and capture the shooter – potentially reducing risk to both the students and staff trapped in the school and first responders during apprehension.

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Water cooler chatter? More like water cooler SHATTER! Why even think about gun control when you can just Hulk smash through a wall with a big jug of water and destroy more property! Stop thinking about gun control and look at this fucking oversized T-shirt cannon! It’s clear that the BCB Wall Breaker is truly cutting edge and innovative when it comes to normalizing school shootings and diverting from the real conversations that we need to have.

It’s interesting how the people who claim they would do anything to save children would rather prove it by inflicting more destruction and danger than doing the simpler thing and talking about gun control.