Fox News

Following the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL, on Wednesday, Fox News host Greg Gutfeld revealed a foolproof plan to safeguard America’s children. No, it’s not gun control! It’s making children learn “hand-to-hand combat.”

Slouching in his chair during Thursday evening’s episode of Fox News’ The Five, Gutfeld offered up his modest proposal (emphasis mine):

You have to teach them how to respond. You have to be rational about it, which means hardening soft targets through drills and training. Learning combat. Learning hand-to-hand combat. This works, by the way, for terror, if there’s a terror attack, and it works for school shootings which is essentially domestic terror.

Ah yes, if only those soft, fleshy targets (read: unarmed schoolchildren) were hardened enough to rush an armored assailant with an automatic rifle to deliver a devastating judo flip, things would definitely be better for this fucked up country. It’s beyond dumb, obviously, but it’s also nihilistic and disgusting!

“You have to train a kid to go to school?” co-host Juan Williams asked, incredulously. “That’s kind of sad to me.” Gutfeld, however, was having none of it. “Self defense classes are the best thing for a kid,” he insisted.

Or, y’know...ban guns? Just a thought.