Frog Watch: Frog News Now

Joe Frog.
Photo: Flickr

Frogs: the very name conjures visions of wonder and terror. But what’s up with them?

ITEM: Scientists have found five whole new species of frogs, in Madagascar, which is an island nation you have never been to. “The largest could sit on your thumbnail, the smallest is hardly longer than a grain of rice.” Okay—so you’re telling me they’re all small. Give it to me straight.

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ITEM: Ever wondered why frogs are stank as hell? For a long time, scientists thought it was: to scare off predators. But now scientists think: to get laid. The same reason humans are stank with cologne! The next time you’re on a date with a frog, beware of this telltale sign of horny (toad)ness.

ITEM: It turns out that frogs in the wild can reverse their own sex. I don’t give a damn—they still better use the bathroom of their original sex, or by gum I will singlehandedly sign a backwards law destroying this state’s economic development prospects for years to come.

ITEM: Sometimes it’s fun to play with numbers. For example, did you know that frog tongues are six times faster than a fighter jet? You did? Well, did you know they’re 3,655 times faster than a fleeing sloth? You did? Did you know they’re infinity faster than an antimatter particle moving backwards in time through the multiverse? You dishonorable cur.

ITEM: A bunch of farmers filed a lawsuit trying to wipe out habitat protections for some frogs and guess what happened—they lost. You fuck with frogs, you taste defeat—and later, the lash of a fast and nubile tongue, from which escape is impossible.

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ITEM: India’s starry dwarf frog is a species with no close relatives. Don’t worry dwarf frog, I’ll be your new family. Frog frog frog.

ITEM: The 20th of March was World Frog Day. How did you celebrate? Let me guess—you didn’t, did you? You didn’t do a single thing. Well that’s okay. Because guess how frogs celebrated? By murdering a woman participating in a new age ceremony. 

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ITEM: Frogs are undergoing a catastrophic global die-off. You hate to see that.

ITEM: A Montreal woman found a frog inside a bag of spinach. I guess the frogs ain’t dead yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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About the author

Hamilton Nolan

Senior Writer. Hamilton@SplinterNews.com