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FROM: Facebook < >

TO: me, Aunt Yoyi, Grandma, DJ Boo-T Popp, Your Exes (more)

Hi you guys!

I know we haven't always kept in touch the way we used to in college when every photo of you holding a red Solo cup seemed noteworthy and shareable, but the truth is that I miss you! A lot! And I really hope you'll all be able to make it to my 10th biRtHdAy bAsH tonight!


Short notice, I know, but I've been super busy live-Tweeting my board meetings and selling your personal info to teeth-whitening experts and companies that use photos of crying babies to ask if you're interested in social work. (I love babies! Lolol, squeee! I guess it's part of me getting older and all that.)

Anyway, I know we've had our fair share of weird moments — like when a criminal gang stole your passwords and posted them online (lol, awkward!), or that time my founder's sister seemed to forget how my complicated and ever-changing privacy settings work, the fact that you guys are indiscreet pervs and borderline sociopaths who believe there is some delineation between your online life and the so-called "real world," or even that time when your aunt's boyfriend's son liked and subsequently re-posted that photo of you eating a pickle while wearing a bikini. But we've moved past those, right? I mean, most of you are still right here with me, despite all your complaints. lol.


Plus, think of all the things we've gone through together. I've been with some of you since college. I mean, gosh, I've even known some of you since high school. I've been there through final exams, first dates, the socially-acceptable form of stalking leading up to first dates, graduations, first jobs, break-ups, the less socially-acceptable form of stalking prior to break-ups, engagements, that time when it was "complicated," that time you identified as a post-sexual anarchocapitalist, your first kid and your second nose. We've gone through so much together, and I have the data to prove it.

And, like, I know your third grade teacher, your grandmother and your 37-year-old cousin DJ Boo-T Popp who doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're" are likely to be the first and possibly only people to attend, but, I dunno, lol. I care about you. And I really hope you make it. You're important to me — I wouldn't have made it this far without all of you — and I think, deep down, you know I'm important to you, too.

I guess what I'm saying is…

Let's make it Facebook official.

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