Fuck It, Let's Sacrifice to Odin

Photo: Matt Cardy (Getty)

Conservatives have gone to great lengths over the years to downplay the devastating effects of climate change on the world. Today, the brain geniuses at the Federalist found a new line of attack: believing in climate change is actually just paganism. To which I say: hell yeah brother… let’s sacrifice to Odin!

Look at this shit:

Screenshot: The Federalist
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Oh what’s that? The precocious standard-bearer of the current climate movement’s name is Greta Thunberg? That’s a Norse-ass name, man. She MUST be pagan. (Later, the writer says she’s Joan of Arc, which, sure man.) In the post, the writer goes further (emphasis added):

That is why members of “Extinction Rebellion” do what they do. Extinction Rebellion is an apocalyptic cult that wants to radically end every thing around you, from your private cars to the burgers you eat and the plastic chairs in your yard. It is a cult that was formed after its founder took psychedelic drugs and prayed for “social change.” Members have blocked D.C. and London intersections, “twerking” the way people in a pre-civilized era would perform a fertility dance to pray to Gaia.

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So, there you have it. Sexualized dances, psychedelic hallucinogens, worshiping nature, confessing sins in pagan animism, worshiping purified teen saints, and throwing them up on an altar, bereft of their childhood, to promote a greater cause. Add to that witches hexing Brett Kavanaugh, and having an Ouija board to invoke the spirit of Karl Marx, and everything old is new again.

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As many people on Twitter have pointed out: fuck yeah. Modern-day pagans, for the most part, seem extremely cool. It’s a pretty chill religion!

But let’s take it a step further. Look, all I’m saying is that right now, maybe sacrifice is worth a shot. Let’s lean into it, people. Grab a goat. Pray for rain.

Here’s some more shit from a website that you’re not allowed to ask who’s funding:

The reality is, of course, completely different. Much less than destroying the planet, climate change isn’t even a settled science. Conservatives don’t disagree that climate is changing. That is a straw man. Conservatives, however, are opposed to hysteria, have skepticism about the rate of the climate change, and would like to see an actual cost-benefit analysis of the radical changes being demanded.

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Conservatives are opposed to hysteria? Well buddy. I’ll show you some hysteria. I’ll strip naked on a hill in a thunderstorm and cover myself in the blood of a pure white stallion if it means we stop drilling holes in the Florida coastlines. I’ll put my own eye out with hot iron and scream the names of Thor and Odin into the raging winds if we pass the Green New Deal. I’ll chant eldritch spells into the wasp-bowl of a gnarled oak tree if it means the executives who caused Deepwater Horizon go to jail. I will mash the dream-paste from nightshade and apply it to my mucous membranes if we stop deforestation. All I’m saying here is that the world is burning to the ground, and if we have to do a few blood rites to save the planet then so be it. Honestly at this point it cannot hurt.

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About the author

Jack Crosbie

Contributing Writer, Splinter