Fuck to the Condescending Bank

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One of the worst things about modern life, in addition to things like crushing student loan debt and health insurance deductibles and the proliferation of Marvel Universe movies, is brand Twitter. If you are not cursed by Twitter use, you could easily expand this to the familiar tone that products and advertisements will strike with you—a smoothie bottle talking to you like it’s your friend. Recycle me! There’s three servings of fruit in here—but don’t drink me too fast!

Every fucking brand does it. Denny’s does it. Wendy’s does it. The fucking CIA does it. And now, apparently, Chase bank does it.


The tweet was swiftly deleted, but we’ll always have the memories.

I don’t think it really needs saying how off the tone is here—it’s one thing for millennials to roast themselves for buying Seamless when there’s a shitty old tortilla in the fridge they could eat through their tears, but it does not work when it’s coming out of the voice of a bank that received a $12 billion government bailout in 2008. Bad tweet.

I will support any presidential candidate who pledges to ban Brand Twitter and send its progenitors to jail. Jamie Dimon, too.