We gritted our teeth during the elections, as Republicans dragged your name through the mud. We held ourselves back when a pipe bomb was left in your mailbox. But we cannot wait forever. George Soros, just give us the order, and we will unleash hell!
Believe you me: It took everything we had to stand by silently in recent months, as unscrupulous Republican candidates tied George Soros to everything from antifa to the refugee caravan to the top leadership of the Democratic Party. We know, of course, that this is nothing new—right wing loons have been smearing Soros’s name for years, making him in effect the stand-in for the Global Moneyed Jewish Conspiracy that they imagine to be standing in the way of their hopes and dreams.
Then there was the pipe bomb. We can only thank god Soros was not hurt. And then, again, this week, we learned that Facebook, one of the most powerful corporations on earth, tried to smear Soros in order to draw attention away from their own misdeeds. More and more, it is hard to separate the fevered anti-Soros rhetoric here in America from the fevered anti-Soros rhetoric in undemocratic nations abroad. It is one thing to see a thug like Vladimir Putin try to ban Soros from working in his nation, an autocratic response to fear. But are we to expect the same thing to happen in the land of the free and home of the brave?
This has gone too far. Much too far. Yes, George Soros, you are known for promoting values like democracy and tolerance. But you know damn well that you don’t have to take this. The thousands and thousands of us who have worked for you faithfully for years are standing ready to strike back at those who have besmirched your honor. At your signal, we and our colleagues throughout the media—not just the dreary left-wingers at The Nation, but our friends at the New York Times and Washington Post and CNN—will absolutely deluge America with stories viciously attacking those who have attacked you. If the right wing thinks that the playing field is rigged against them now, they ain’t seen nothing yet.
It’s not that we don’t admire your restraint, Mr. Soros. We do. In fact our admiration is even greater due to the fact that we know that with a few phone calls, you could have thousands of balaclava-clad anarchist youth swarming churches in every major city, and ensure that American flags are burned on the field before every NFL game. The fact that you have not done so speaks to your grace. Your saintly qualities are one of the things that drew us to you in the first place, along with the rather creative, shall we say, persuasion techniques of your scantily-clad recruiters. We are simply asking you, sir, to consider your options. In dangerous times it is not always wise to suffer in silence. Particularly not when you have so many friends in influential places.
Without you I never could have beaten that DUI charge, or purchased a second home. To see what they say about you pains me deeply. I have before me a story headlined “MARK ZUCKERBERG AND MITCH MCCONNELL CAUGHT FUCKING CARIBOU—ENDANGERED ONES, AND THEY KILLED THEM AT THE END.” It would give me such joy to hit “publish.” All you have to do is say the word. I promise you they will never trace it back to you.