I scream, you scream, we all scream into the void until our voice boxes shatter!
Tomorrow, GOP State Rep. Rick Saccone and Democrat Conor Lamb will be facing off in a special election to fill the empty seat representing Pennsylvania’s 18th congressional district. The seat was vacated when former Rep. Tim Murphy resigned after his extramarital affair was exposed. It represents an area that was decidedly red in 2016, but could potentially swing blue. Despite allegedly deeming Saccone a “weak” candidate in private, the president himself stumped for Saccone over the weekend—and today his son, Donald Trump Jr., joined Saccone on the campaign trail, where he displayed his passion for two things: the GOP and a bowl of ice cream.
Saccone and Don Jr. stopped at Sarris Candies in Canonsburg, PA, in a last-ditch effort to court voters, chat with reporters, and, in Jr.’s case, succ down a bowl of ice cream like a gotdamn Hoover.
It was truly a spectacle that eclipsed anything Saccone had to say. It seemed like every question Don Jr. answered was a distraction from the real event: that luscious frozen treat. (While Saccone announced he was eating Deep Dish Apple Pie-flavored ice cream, it’s not certain what flavor Trump Jr. was eating, but it does look like a blend of at least two flavors.)
If you watch the video below you will see just how into the ice cream Don Jr. is. He goes back over and over and over again.
Trump Jr. managed to keep his face out of the bowl long enough to bemoan the treatment of Saconne by other Republicans and the media, criticize “other people in foreign lands living our American dream,” and say the words, “You know what entitlement is? It’s a job.” Every single one of Don Jr.’s responses was punctuated by him aggressively and fervently shoveling the ice cream into his maw.
When asked if he had been interviewed by Robert Mueller right after taking a real big boy chomp, he managed to almost perfectly articulate, “I have not,” with a mouthful of ice cream. It was one of Trump Jr.’s greatest accomplishments to date, bested only by his response to a question about whether Stormy Daniels should be able to speak about her alleged affair with President Trump.
“Thanks guys,” he said, with that signature Trump smile and a wave of his spoon weighed down not by the pressure of the situation but only by ice cream. “That’s not what we’re talking about.”
Toward the end of the chat, Trump turned his spoon upside down with a practiced finesse, and as he closed his mouth over it and leaned his head back, he slowly dragged the utensil out, letting the ice cream collect on the inside of his bottom lip in a show of triumph and utter satisfaction. Mission accomplished, if the mission was ravenously eating a bowl of ice cream in a completely distracting manner.
We have yet to see if Saconne manages to beat out Lamb, but there is one thing we do know: Don Jr. can absolutely demolish a bowl of ice cream.