Global Warming Is Gonna Make NYC Good

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New York City is America’s best and only real city, with one exception: it is so god damn cold here, in the winter. So cold and bad. If we could solve this one problem, New York City would reign supreme forever. Scaremongering scientists say there may be good, dangerous news!


Often “the media” focuses only on the negative. “Global warming will cause catastrophic coastal flooding,” they’ll say, or “Global warming will cause increased hurricane strength which will devastate millions of lies.” What the MSM won’t tell you is this: the figures and studies of the very same scientists waving their arms about how we need to “stop” global warming actually indicate great news for those of us in America’s Only City, NYC (New York City).

A new report in Nature Communications attempts to scare American citizens by telling them what kind of climates their hometowns will have 60 years from now if global warming keeps on rising. If we don’t do something to stop all those carbon emissions, they say, your city in the year 2080 will feel like a completely different place. “In the eastern U.S., nearly all urban areas, including Boston, New York, and Philadelphia, will become most similar to contemporary climates located hundreds of kilometers to the south and southwest,” they write. “Put another way, by the 2080s climate of cities in the northeast will tend to feel more like the humid subtropical climates typical of parts of the Midwest or southeastern U.S. today.”

Great. Problem solved.

The only thing wrong with NYC now, besides the tourists who don’t know to step away from the subway station staircase when they check their phones, is the fact that it’s so fucking freezing here in the winter, it’s like, what the fuck, really. Many top thinkers have called for building a new New York City somewhere warm. But that may not even be necessary. According to science, if we just wait and keep on enjoying our decadent lifestyles, soon the warmness will come to us.

It’s a very New York City solution: We ain’t fuckin changing. You change, to serve us.

I love it!

Senior Writer.