Photo: Alex Wong (Getty)

Who among us, during our deepest, darkest moments, hasn’t called out to a higher power for consolation and advice in a time of need? Apparently, Democratic Senate leader Chuck Schumer did just that after the election of Donald Trump. And in what has been par for the course during his time as leader, God lied to him and Chuck fell for it.

The Washington Post has a new profile on Schumer today, the day before an election that has a small (but not likely) chance of bringing Schumer and his fellow Senate Democrats back to power. The central question of the piece is whether or not Schumer is capable of combatting the GOP in the time of Trump. We’ve made our opinion abundantly clear on that subject, but the story also contains this tidbit which is, frankly, wild (emphasis mine):

Shortly after Trump’s election, Schumer received some meaningful advice.

“For two days I stayed in the house and moped,” he said. “I am not a moper; that is so unlike me. So I stayed in the house for two days and then I had a message from God and it went like this, ‘Chuck, stop moping around. If Hillary had been president and you had been majority leader like we all thought, it would be easier, it would be more fun and you’d get some good things done. But with Trump as president and you as minority leader your job is much more important.’”

There’s a lot to unpack here. First off, the idea that God thinks legislating is “fun” makes me think that he’s a guy who thinks the West Wing is real life.

But more importantly, it appears that God has absolutely no fucking idea how Congress works. The minority leader isn’t more important than the majority leader, idiot! You literally don’t get to make any laws.

The rest of the profile is worth reading for a reference to the pressure that Schumer is under as “biblical,” and for this own that Schumer didn’t actually say to Trump, but rather to a reporter nearly two years later:

“Mr. President-elect, I’m just driving past one of your golf courses now,” Schumer recalled telling Trump when he answered the phone. “I didn’t tell him, and maybe I would have now . . . is that the course is a failure.”

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Also, this (emphasis mine), which has been reported before but somehow never as anything other than impossibly twee bullshit:

Schumer is famous for a number of things: having a magnetic pull to television cameras, owning a flip phone, being a keen fundraiser and keeping his staff working such long hours that they have no chance to meet other people and end up marrying one another. Schumer loves playing matchmaker.

I wonder how many of these people God has told to find a new job.