Groundhogs Stage Direct Action Against Paul Ryan


Nature is literally revolting against Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, who admitted on stage at an event hosted by the Economic Club of Washington D.C. that his Chevy Suburban was destroyed by a family of groundhogs.

“My car was eaten by animals,” he said, “It’s just dead.”

Paul Ryan, of course, is an Important Politician, and doesn’t drive himself. He’s had a full time driver for the last three years. In that time, the car was on loan to his mother, who lives in Ryan’s hometown of Janesville, Wisconsin. She was tasked with occasionally turning on the car “just to keep it going,” Ryan says. When she returned from a trip to Florida over the winter, she found the car no longer started.


“So I towed it into the dealer, they put it up, and they realized that a family of woodchucks lived in the underbody of my Suburban,” Ryan says in the video, laughing, in a decent imitation of a regular human being. “They ate all the wiring out of it.”

It gets pretty cold in Wisconsin in the winter, which may explain why a family of groundhogs needed to seek warmth under the hood of a Chevy Suburban. That cold is also the reason Ryan has given for his lack of action on environmental issues, claiming it’s too hard to convince a state with a harsh winter that climate change is real (though he’s not too sure about that himself). He can blame the cold all he wants, but we prefer to believe that it was a small act of revenge by the animal kingdom against a politician who has laid the groundwork for the continued destruction of the environment. Solidarity with our small, furry friends.

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