Back in October, the New Orleans Pelicans unveiled THIS…..thing.
Who’s that you ask? That’s the team’s mascot, Pierre, and he’s absolutely terrifying.
Not only do his eyes look deep into your soul and suck the lifeforce out of you….
…but the open mouth expression leads one to believe he’s ready to eat you alive.
So it’s not too surprising that the NBA franchise has announced via a tongue-in-cheek statement that Pierre will be getting reconstructive surgery after the bird suffered a “broken beak” while playing in a pickup basketball game against other mascots. In other words, he was scaring the crap out of people.
The team’s physician Dr. Mathew McQueen will perform the surgery.
“This will be a rather unconventional surgery for us. I am not sure we have something to compare this to,” McQueen said. “It will be quite complicated and will require the use of some unconventional tools and instruments to reconstruct his beak.”
We here at Fusion certainly wish Pierre all the best, but if one mascot is going under the knife, here are eight others we feel should, too.
8) Boltman (San Diego Chargers)
Not only is this mascot RIPPED, but what’s with the piano key teeth half smile? And the Oakleys? More like FOAKLEYS. Totally throws it all off.
DIAGNOSIS: Reconstruct the face, keep the hot bod.
7) Rumble the Bison (Oklahoma City Thunder)
Did Chewbacca pick up a second job? I understand Star Wars did well as a franchise, but were times THAT bad that he had to learn how to dribble a basketball and wear clothing instead of an ammunition belt? As a fan, I’d much rather look at a welcoming mascot that’s smiling normally instead of a bison that’s deciding whether or not to charge at me.
DIAGNOSIS: Get a haircut and put on some sunglasses to cover those eyes. Form those lips into a smile.
6) The Stanford Cardinal
Stanford. An institution of higher learning which consistently graduates some of the smartest kids in this country (depending on how you look at it). Yet despite being insanely smart, the school decided to name a tree as its mascot. Welp, that's what happens when you name a COLOR your mascot. Does that even make sense?
Even ESPN had fun with it.
DIAGNOSIS: Dye the leaves red, add wings, and make the eyes and lips smaller.
5) Jack Box
Any time you got a mascot that looks like THIS, there’s a problem. To add insult to injury, he talks, too! But his lips don’t move and his eyes constantly burn holes into your body while sadistically smiling at you.
DIAGNOSIS: Change skin tone, ditch the dunce cone, give him normal looking eyes and grin instead of smiling like The Grinch.
4) Providence “Friar” (Providence College)
Clearly this 17th century Puritan saw something that scared him. That bed sheet he's wearing makes him look like a human form of E.T. phone home, Friar. You need a new outfit.
DIAGNOSIS: Make the eyes smaller, add some pearly whites, and cut those bangs!
3) SuperFrog (Texas Christian University)
This roid-raging frog from Texas will kick your ass. After he finishes menacing other mascots from across the field. Also, is it just me, or does he look like a Pokemon character?
DIAGNOSIS: Lose the spikes on the arms, those could put an eye out. Make the eyes smaller, too. Also, this is not a reconstructive recommendation, but lose the football pants. Pretty sure frogs don’t wear pants, but I could be wrong….
2) University of California at Santa Cruz “Banana Slug”
There’s nothing more menacing, more terrifying than a yellow-toned mollusc that moves slower than a glacier during global warming. Seriously, though. If I woke up and saw this….thing waving at me with that smile, I’d have a heart attack.
DIAGNOSIS: Get a new mascot
1) Ronald McDonald
DIAGNOSIS: Need I say more?
Moral of the story: if your mascot’s experience is like this…
Time to make a change.
UPDATE: The Pelicans released another statement saying that Pierre underwent successful surgery. The team expects him to make a full and speedy recovery. Here's a photo of the new Pierre!