You may think you know how to trick-or-treat, but you're wrong. You're dumb and you're wrong. Now that it's officially October, grown-ups and kids alike should study "Halloween Safety," an educational film dating back to 1977. This gloriously campy extended PSA was uploaded to YouTube by Jason Willis, who actually acted in this video as a child (you can see him modeling some fangs in #11 below).
Here, in GIFs, are 26 old-school tips for making your All Hallows' Eve as wholesomely spooky—and spookily wholesome—as possible.
1. For safety's sake, your costume should be hemmed, unlike your mom's sweet bell-bottoms.
2. If a cat wanders into frame while you're shooting a Halloween safety video, don't worry about it. Just keep rolling.
3. Rather than carry around a dangerous prop, saw the end off your pointy wooden sword.
4. A white costume offers better visibility than a black one, if you don't mind resembling a junior Klan member.
5. Write your name, address, and phone number on your candy sack so any would-be kidnappers can have a second chance at abducting you.
6. Ask a parent to widen your masks's eye holes when it becomes abundantly clear that your field of vision is about three inches wide.
7. Meet your mother's gaze and realize, for the first time, that she's disappointed in you.
8. Watch as she throws your mask in the garbage. Try not to cry.
9. No, try harder.
10. Hey, look, it's okay. You don't need a mask. Why not experiment with contouring?
11. Why be a dog when you could be a vampire dog?
12. Make sure your brow game is on point.
13. Extremely on point.
14. All this to say nothing of your mustache.
15. Don't stop until you're feeling your look.
16. Like, feeling it.
17. Host a pregame.
18. Even though you are a tiny child, feel free to roam the dark streets unsupervised.
19. Try your hardest not to get hit by a car.
20. Watch out for that curb.
21. And, also, for this other curb.
22. Never cross the street without a) looking both ways and b) dancing.
23. Travel in as large a pack as possible. If there are at least three times as many trick-or-treaters as people greeting you at the door, ownership of the house legally transfers to you.
24. Back home, ask your parents to inspect your treats to make sure none of your neighbors have tried to murder you.
25. Wash fruit before you eat it, while contemplating what kind of sociopath would give fruit to trick-or-treaters.
26. Throw any potentially unsafe candy into the trash, while silently cursing your parents.
Molly Fitzpatrick is senior editor of Fusion's Pop & Culture section. Her interests include movies about movies, TV shows about TV shows, and movies about TV shows, but not so much TV shows about movies.