Here's a Good Abominable Towering Hell Cage to Buy, for Billionaires

Photo: via

The 131-story Central Park Tower on 57th Street in Manhattan—the tallest residential building in the world—has officially topped out. Step right up, ye wealthy, and purchase a piece of this cursed and doomed Tower of Babel!

  • RELAX in your thousand-foot high luxury apartment with Central Park views.
  • BE SICKENED WITH VERTIGO by the insane and unnatural height of your glistening abode.
  • ENVISION a long plunge to your death on the street below due to the big glass windows, no matter how much you try to not think about it.
  • ALSO DON’T THINK ABOUT being the biggest target for the next crazy terrorist plane hijackers.
  • DISCOVER the existential torment that comes with the slow realization that your isolation from your fellow humans in a gilded tower leaves a hole in your soul that no amount of cocaine can fill.
  • NOW WE KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOU when your time comes.
This is a real picture from their website, just chillin.
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Hamilton Nolan

Senior Writer. Hamilton@SplinterNews.com