Photo: Elise Amendola (AP)

On Thursday, the Colorado Sun reported that former Colorado governor John Hickenlooper had gotten a permit to hold an event in Denver’s Civic Center Park next week, kicking off speculation that he would be announcing a run for president.

Hickenlooper, of course, is so centrist a Democrat that he once referred to Colorado fondly as a “purple state” right after his own party had won full control of the state’s two legislative houses and the governorship. This is a man who once said, “Don’t break out the Cheetos or gold fish too quickly,” after his legislature passed a groundbreaking marijuana decriminalization bill, then mulled banning the drug again years later. Anyway, he’s a stodgy-ass joke and should be treated as such so here are all of the Hickenlooper jokes we could think of without putting a whole lot of work into it:

Hickenlooper? More like HickenWHO-per. (That one was mine)

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Staff writer Rafi Schwartz made this masterpiece which really should be the header image for this post but I didn’t want to spoil the surprise:

Illustration: Sony Pictures/ Rafi Schwartz

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Part of the bit Rafi was going for was explaining the joke in gratuitous detail which he very gamely stuck to, in my opinion. A+ for effort there.

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Come to think of it, that’s about it. We really just wanted to post Rafi’s picture and there’s not much more to say about Hickenlooper except that one time he gave an award to one of Saudi Arabia’s lobbying firms. Colorado has a new, better governor now and soon, hopefully, America will have a new better president who is not John Hickenlooper. Thank you and have a good Friday.

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Wait.

John Hickenpooper.