Here's All the Ludicrous Shit You Can Watch on Fox News' New Streaming Service

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Fox News is debuting an online, subscription-only streaming service tomorrow, which is something that feels like it’s already a thing, but wasn’t until now, and regardless somehow manages to be worse than you could possibly imagine?

The whole thing sorta sounds like a rejected Whose Line? skit where Drew Carey yells “Netflix Shows But They’re All Produced By Fox News” and Ryan Stiles immediately shouts “Hello, and welcome to ‘Terror Strikes Boston: Boston Strikes Back’” but then Carey has to axe the segment because the producers get worried a fucked-up Boston Massacre joke is going to get them in trouble.

Except that now that’s a real thing, that you can watch for $5.99 a month. “Terror Strikes Boston: Boston Strikes Back” is a real show, as is “13 Hours in Benghazi,” “Andrew Jackson: Hero Under Fire,” “Fly Me to the Moon,” “Honor Killing in America,” and “Borked.” (The last one is about Robert H. Bork, a federal judge who failed to get confirmed to the U.S. Supreme Court in 1987).


The hits, as they say, are all there: You can watch “Fox and Friends” all day. Tomi Lahren has a show. Right wing, Trump-loving, YouTube grifters Diamond and Silk just got a show today. There are not one, but two shows about honor killing: “Honor Killing in America” and “A Question of Honor,” which is almost certainly based on the Fox News documentary about the 2009 killing of Noor Al-Maleki, allowing Fox’s Christian viewers to revel in a traumatic and sensitive issue in the Muslim community ad nauseum. There’s also a show just called “The Birth of Jesus” and another called “Planned Parenthood: the Hidden Harvest,” so you can really see where this is going, culturally speaking.

Also, Steve Doocy has a cooking show. Sure.

Per The New York Times, Fox is doing this primarily because it knows it has a legion of devoted fans who will be completely willing to let this shit rot their brains even further while they stream it 18 hours a day on iPads their adult children bought them for Christmas.

Fox Nation may be the id of Fox News, but it is also a potentially shrewd bet for the Murdoch family, which is testing the digital waters ahead of news rivals CNN and MSNBC.

Networks like ESPN, CBS, and HBO have introduced stand-alone streaming apps as audiences move away from traditional TV. Lachlan Murdoch, who will oversee a reconstituted Fox empire after the company sells most of its entertainment assets to the Walt Disney Company, is ready to modernize. And Fox News, with juggernaut ratings and ad revenue, commands a devoted audience.

“We have fans,” said John Finley, the executive overseeing Fox Nation. “Other news organizations simply have viewers.”

If you donate a bunch of money up front, Fox will give you some late-night QVC-ass swag like a commemorative coin, a camo ball cap, or a “tactical watch” with the new service’s logo on it.

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It’s only a matter of time before Trump has his own show on here (probably after leaving office, but who knows)—if he doesn’t just copy the idea wholesale and steal half the talent for a media network of his own.

Contributing Writer, Splinter

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