Here's how Shaggy would defeat ISIS

Despite the best efforts of governments, militaries, and spy agencies around the world, the terroristic armies of ISIS remain a violent threat in Syria, Iraq, and surrounding areas. President Obama and Secretary of State Kerry have repeatedly discussed their strategies for halting the spread of ISIS, as have countless pundits, columnists, and talking heads on television shows.

None of it has worked. And so perhaps it is time we sought advice from elsewhere. Perhaps it is time we begin to consider the voices and ideas of a strategist who lives outside the beltway, and who eschews the Ivory Towers of the coastal elite.

Perhaps it is time we consulted Shaggy.

In a recent interview with the Miami New Times, the pop-reggae star behind “Boombastic” and “It Wasn’t Me” shared his ideas for defeating the Islamic State. Egged on by interviewer Dyllan Furness, Shaggy suggests that if we were to somehow strategically pipe in his music so that the members of ISIS could listen, this whole ISIS thing would cease to exist.

“If you’re able to cut a man’s head off, you’re sick,” Shaggy reasons. “But right, music evokes emotion. So if they’re listening to Shaggy music or reggae music, they’re not going to want to cut somebody’s head off.”

Shaggy even suggests that, should ISIS listen to his tunes — perhaps his latest single, a lighthearted romp called “Go Fuck Yourself” — they might just quit terrorism and become stoners.

“There’re two things you want to do when you listen to reggae: You get somebody pregnant, or you’re fucking high,” Shaggy says. “High people don’t want to kill nothing; they want to love. They need to bag some Jamaican weed and distribute it amongst ISIS. I guarantee there won’t be any more wars out there.”

Good stuff! Stay tuned for next week when we ask Beenie Man what should be done about Boko Haram.