Block your crazy uncle on Facebook and break out those Doritos you like to stress-eat: The first debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton has finally arrived!
No sane American would sit through this thing with a BAC level of 0.0; in these apocalyptic times, you might as well drink as though you are about to be marched to the gates of Hell by a vengeful demon.
Okay! Do you have an ice-cold 30-pack of your favorite beer? Are you sitting with friends and family who are comfortable seeing you at your worst? Then let's get started!
Take a sip if Donald Trump says the following words/phrases:
- Big league
- Believe me
- Like a dog
- Many people are saying
- Radical Islamic Terrorism
- And Mexico will pay for it
Take two sips if Trump:
- Claims he was against the Iraq War from the start
- Claims he was against the Afghanistan War from the start
- Claims he would have prevented 9/11
- Claims he would have prevented a war that never actually happened
- Refers to America as "a third-world country"
- Brags about the size of his crowds
- Brags about the size of his buildings
- Brags about the size of literally anything else
- Points out that he beat 16 candidates in the primary
- Calls himself "unprecedented"
- Calls himself a "phenomenon"
- Brags that he has a small ego
- Answers a foreign policy question without using a proper noun
- Says he will hire "the best people"
- Says he will hire "very smart people"
- Says he will hire Chuck Norris
- Answers a question that is not about his businesses with "I built very successful businesses"
- Answers a question that is not about his buildings with "I have built great buildings"
- Claims he started out with "almost nothing"
- Claims he started out with only "a very small loan" from his father
- Claims he started from the bottom, now he's here
- Says that "We have to be very strong"
- Says that "We need to be smart again"
- Says that "We never win anymore"
- Says that he loves his stupid voters
Finish your entire drink if Donald Trump:
- Says that he respects any of the following people he previously bashed:
- Ted Cruz
- Chris Christie
- Carly Fiorina
- Marco Rubio
- Ben Carson
- Citizens of Mexico
- References the endorsements of:
- "Many business leaders"
- "90 generals"
- The guy from Duck Dynasty
- Any professional athlete or sports coach
- Scott Baio
- Says something nice about Vladimir Putin
- Says something mean about Mark Cuban
- Says something nice about Saddam Hussein
- Says something mean about Elizabeth Warren
- Assures an entire race or ethnic group that he will be "very good" for them
- Unfavorably compares Detroit/Chicago/Baltimore to Afghanistan/a war zone
- Completely whiffs on a foreign leader's name
- Completely whiffs on the name of a foreign city
- Completely whiffs on the name of his youngest daughter
- Levels a charge against Hillary Clinton that clearly applies to him (Examples: Does not tell the truth; charitable foundation is fraudulent; is sexist; has no record of public service)
- Says that he will be a good president for women because he has "hired many of them"
- Apologizes for literally anything
Finish all of your beer, then go to the store and get more, and continue drinking until you enter a coma that lasts until November 9, if Donald Trump:
- Is judged by TV pundits to have won the debate because he remained upright for 90 minutes, spoke in English sentences, refrained from hurling a sexist insult at his opponent, and "looked presidential."