How to Win: Challenge Donald Trump to a Physical Fight Every Day

Illustration for article titled How to Win: Challenge Donald Trump to a Physical Fight Every Day
Image: Jim Cooke (GMG)

For the Democrats, winning the White House in 2020 will require bold moral leadership combined with savvy political strategy. But mostly, it will require challenging that soft bastard to a fight, every day, and never shutting up about it.


Violence has no place in politics. We should select leaders by rationally evaluating their political platforms and judging their character and sincerity in order to determine who will be most effective at solving our very real problems and at navigating any crises that may arise. This is what we should do. What we have actually done, though, is to install perhaps the single biggest fucking moron in America as president because our system is broken and he was good at telling racist lies. The long-term solution to this situation is to fix our broken system in order to solve the problems that have so disillusioned such a large part of our citizenry. The short term solution is to challenge this fat braggy Angel Soft motherfucker to throw hands and watch him crumble like the crumb cake he eats every day, for breakfast.

This motherfucker got to the White House by projecting an image of unrestrained strength comparable to history’s greatest dictators. “I alone can solve it,” and all that bullshit. He is a racist, and oppressor, a classic bully—he selects targets that he thinks are weak and relentlessly attacks them as long as he believes he is insulated from all repercussions. He has risen to a position of insane power by stepping on the backs of every marginalized group he could find. His appeal to his base is premised on the idea that he is a strongman.

Meanwhile this swollen old motherfucker is sitting in a leather chair eating mom’s meatloaf every day like a homesick tween. This loud ass chud is out here hollering slurs about people who just walked a thousand miles through the desert in search of a better life. You think it’s so easy to walk here from Central America, motherfucker? You can barely navigate a set of stairs.

Chocolate cake Duncan Hines frosting ass motherfucker.

Here is what I beseech the Democratic presidential nominee to do: Every single day—at campaign rallies, at speeches, in press gaggles—challenge this weak ass bully to a fight. Offer to put on gloves and physically fight him. Offer to do it on the White House lawn. Offer to do it in front of a shuttered factory. Offer to do it at the southern border. Offer to do it as a pay-per-view with all results going to charity. Offer to meet him at a time and place of his choosing. Offer to work with his schedule. Be flexible.

Carry a set of boxing gloves around with you on the campaign trail. At each stop, remind everyone you are still waiting to hear about the fight. When it’s time for the debates, before you answer the first question, challenge him to a fight. Ask him to pick a time and a place, right then. Offer him the gloves that you have brought with you. Politely request that our national strongman prove what a big tough man he is, in a fight.

To be perfectly clear, this idea is not dependent on the Democratic Party nominating some large man. I have zero doubt that Elizabeth Warren or Kirsten Gillibrand could beat Donald Trump in a fight. One clean jab to the bridge of the nose to crack the candy shell of this M&M ass hobo and he’ll be running for his Kleenex box. One solid knee to the gut and this big cheek squirrel face tantrum throwing motherfucker will start leaking Cheez Whiz from his pores as he collapses into a puddle. This spray tan ass scrub is all bark and no bite, all hat and no cattle, selling woof tickets to a show that doesn’t exist. I guarantee that two seconds after Donald Trump sees blood dripping onto his starched shirt collar he will fold up like Murphy Bed into a pathetic pile of neckties and self-pity. This is a lock.


I do not want the Democratic candidate to challenge Donald Trump to a fight because I believe that our president should be someone who can win a fight. I want them to do it because Donald Trump, an evil racist narcissist baby, has conned millions of people into handing him ungodly power by pretending that he is the sort of man who will win a fight. And he’s not. He will never take you up on that fight offer. He will holler and moan and change the subject and hurl petty insults back, but he will not fight. I know this because he is a bully, and deep down nothing scares him more than being exposed and humiliated. To fight would be to open himself to the very real possibility of humiliation. Therefore he will not do it. He will not back up his taunts and boasts and persecutions of the vulnerable. He is a baby boy posing as a bad boy. And this fact will become ever more obvious when you challenge him to a fight, month after month, on the campaign trail.

And if, by some miracle, Donald Trump gets so humiliated that he actually accepts the challenge, then—on behalf of every hardworking Mexican immigrant or Muslim American who’s been yelled at by someone in a MAGA hat, every transgender person who served in the military, and every poor person who suffers as a trillion dollars are funneled back into the pockets of the rich—I want you to pull back and slap the shit out of this potato face Jell-O cheeked motherfucker and watch him beg for forgiveness.


Then when you’re elected president, work for peace. Thanks.

Senior Writer.