Call off the search parties, the hairiest baby in the UK has been identified as one Fergus Hillman, six-months, about 2'1", 2'1-and-a-half", probably 18-or-so pounds (a little more than a stone, for those across the Atlantic), and the greatest g-d hair on a baby this reporter has ever seen.
I mean, look at that suave-ass little guy! Hey mom, maybe skip on the Extra Volume/Extra Lush/Chemically Charged Formula No More Tears next time Fergus here has bath time. Fergus' "mum" claims that he's been to the barber twice already and is a very good boy when he gets his haircuts—no squirming or squiggling or anything.
And it's not like this is something that just happened. He was born this way.
The UK media (love that Yahoo News UK and Yahoo Style UK have covered this) has been losing its mind over Fergus and I totally get it. This is not a normal baby, this is a baby that has much more hair than a baby should have at this juncture in his life.
Check out Fergus's cousin Chloe who is two weeks older.
Way to grow hair, Chloe.
"Oh, he's just a special baby, David. Don't harsh on Chloe so much."
You are right, hypothetical reasonable person, Fergus is a special boy and Chloe hasn't done anything wrong. But great, legit, full-head-of-hair hair runs in my mane dude up there's family. Pun so very much intended.
That is his sister Ella. She is five right now but by the time she is six, she will be jumping rope with those locks. Buzzfeed says that grandpa Hillman remains hirsute.
Fergus does have his detractors. "I was born with a full head of hair, ok? It happens," said an unidentified Fusion news team member who was sitting by me while I wrote this story up.
In this reporter's opinion, Fergus is just going to have to let his haters act as his motivators. He's got a bright-future ahead of him where the only time he cleans out the shower drain is because he's being courteous/extremely awesome. That hair that is clumped up in a wet mush? It won't be his.
David Matthews operates the Wayback Machine on Fusion.net—hop on. Got a tip? Email him: firstname.lastname@example.org