I Know Things About Yogurt That You May Never Understand

The Greek philosopher Heraclitus held that the universe is in a constant state of change. His nation went on to produce lots of yogurt, which is always changing, as well.

Many years ago people made yogurt at home, in crude pots or barrels, using milk from cows and who knows what else. They loved it and nobody even thought twice about it. Fast forward a while and here we are: a world in which yogurt has become commodified, capitalized, criticized, homogenized, and ionized, right before our eyes. And humans cannot find true happiness—Surprise, surprise.

YOGURT ITEM: Yoplait, which is to good yogurt what a crumpled up piece of paper is to a good racing boat, is launching a new thing called “French yogurt.” Will it be French? No. Will it be yogurt? No—it will be to yogurt what a cup of old yogurt is to the finest motor oil. And you can take that to “le banque.”

YOGURT ITEM: Big surprise—General Mills, the owner of the aforementioned Yoplait brand, is seeing a “double digit” decline in yogurt sales. Let me suggest a reason to you, Mr. Mills: travel to ancient lands and learn to make a yogurt fit for human consumption, rather than allowing an “algorithim” to spit out tepid milky good that a rat wouldn’t feed its young. Has General Mills taken my advice yet? No, instead the company “raised its dividend by 1 cent.” Pathetic.

YOGURT ITEM: Chobani, which is to good Greek yogurt what a fat bird that’s been shot with a BB gun right in the head is to good Greek aviation, is reportedly getting into the “regular” yogurt business as well, now that they have convinced Americans (idiots, not Greek) to buy their Greek yogurt. “Great,” I say sarcastically, “this is like if Yugo went ahead and started making even bigger cars to sell after those little cars they made were exploding, back in the days.” Everyone laughs because they understand.

YOGURT ITEM: “Noosa Yoghurt Is Diving Into This Hot New Yogurt Trend,” reads the headline. The good news: Noosa yogurt is good. (As good as Fage? Well one is Australian style and one is Greek style, so don’t ask stupid questions, idiot). The bad news: the hot new yogurt trend in questions is mix-ins, meaning that Noosa—a gourmet product that should be appreciated in isolation, in a quiet room, with no one around except for a single sheep, waiting quietly—will now be adulterating itself with such atrocious items as pretzels and granola in order to suit the trashy American palate. “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live,” said Norman Cousins. He was talking about yogurt, “dying” in our stomach acid.

YOGURT ITEM: Americans are wondering what kind of yogurt is healthiest. Who are they asking: me? No. They’re turning to Time Magazine. That tells you everything you need to know right there. That dog won’t hunt yogurt.

I guess when you think about it yogurt is like life. It doesn’t last forever, nor is there any guarantee that it will be good. All you know is that you buy the ticket (container of yogurt), you take the ride (eating of yogurt). Doubts? Fears? Excuses? I’ve heard them all. Some people say they don’t like yogurt. Some people say they’re fine eating their regular “Dannon” yogurt. Some people say that they’re lactose intolerant. I’m not here to judge. I’m here to declare based purely on facts that your taste in yogurt is all fucked up. I’ve been doing this a long time. I’m not always going to be around to save you. All these yogurt stories that you send me each week? They don’t phase me a bit. I know where my path lies. Do you?