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The Brett Kavanaugh controversy has loosened more than a few of the remaining screws holding conservative brains together. So it follows that they would spring to defend their golden boy—by continuing to tell on themselves—after the New York Times reported last night that Kavanaugh was involved in a drunken bar brawl during his Yale years.

An old buddy of Kavanaugh’s, whose name is quite literally Chad Ludington, recounted a charming old tale to the Times about how the Supreme Court nominee started a bar fight back in New Haven by throwing a beer at a guy who only looked like the lead singer of UB40, the British reggae band they’d just seen. (Side note: perhaps the only good thing Kavanaugh has reportedly done? Could be.) This story was reasonably read as more additional evidence that Kavanaugh lied during his testimony, in particular by claiming that, while he was definitely fond of beer, he didn’t drink to the point of blacking out. (The White House didn’t respond to the Times about the claims; I have also reached out to the White House and will update this story if I hear back.)

Because we live in a deeply stupid reality, conservative pundits used this opening to reminisce about their youthful bar fights, all of which were definitely cool at the time, not indicative of problem drinking, and somehow exonerate Kavanaugh, at least on this front.

First out of the gate was Ross Douthat, who was making the New York Times’ editorial page godawful long before it was cool.

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I sincerely doubt this man has been in so much as a food fight—or whatever perverse Ivy League ritual involves a “Jumbo Slice”—but let’s move on.

FOX Business Man Charles Gasparino, clearly looking to one-up a beta, overshot the mark by many miles, claiming to have been in “dozens” of brawls in his life, including one where he nearly lost an eye.

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Wow that is......really a lot! You almost lost a dang eye and you’re still knocking ‘em back with the boys! I’m no clinician but there’s definitely a word for liking drinking that much.

Then there was this guy:

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By that logic, I had to reach out to John Podhoretz—who often tweets about terrorizing service workers wherever he goes—to hear his tales of barroom glory. Unfortunately, he appears to be the lone man who’s never gotten drunk and punchy:

And last but not least, the ladies’ division:

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Yes, that’s definitely the point here, thanks for playing!