Attention hedge funds, Fortune 500 corporations, and Yahoo!
It has recently come to my attention that large companies are paying up to $20,000 per hour for consulting advice on how to manage Millennial workers. So today, I am happy to announce that I, too, would accept that sum of money to spew my Millennial brilliance at your clueless executives!
Millennials—the demographic group also known as Generation Y, Generation Me, and the Sinaloa Cartel—are flighty, mysterious creatures. They are enamored by sext-binging, and frightened by loud noises. They are repulsed by Powerpoint presentations, and they will not watch any films that don't feature Adam Driver.
84% of Millennials have never used a stapler before. How do you manage these beasts?
That's where I, the CEO of newly-formed Millennial Workplace Consulting, come in. In just 60 minutes, and for only $20,000, I will answer all of your questions about the manic pixie 24-year-olds in your office. Questions like:
- Do Millennials need health insurance?
- What Pagan ceremonies do Millennials observe?
- Should you discipline a Millennial for wearing an American Apparel crop top to a board meeting?
- Your assistant requested 4 months paid vacation to help his dodgeball teammate train for a Tough Mudder. Should you give it to him?
- Do you have to grant maternity leave to a Millennial who is nursing a bad hangover?
- A new hire claims to be "deathly allergic to emails." Is that a real condition?
- Why do all the Millennials laugh when I ask if anyone wants 🍆 from my vegetable garden?
My past clients, some of whom have not declared corporate bankruptcy, can attest to my expertise:
"We had been making elementary mistakes with our Millennials, like not providing workplace tricycles, and asking our employees to show up before 11AM," said Charleston Ascot, the CEO of Fistco Mortgage & Lending. "Now, we're seeing great productivity from our Millennials, when they aren't asleep during nap time or outside for recess!"
Your Millennial employees will love it, too:
"My boss used to be such a Principal Belding," said Lara Feldspar, 25, who works at JP Morgan as a junior financial advisor to warlords. "But he's so chill now. On Tuesday morning we had a gluten-free kegger to celebrate the new Chance mixtape, and he just sat in his office silently weeping. Total Slater move!"
Your company cannot afford to go one more day mistreating its precious, enigmatic Millennial workers. Whether your communal refrigerator lacks a suitable range of Fage yogurts, or you didn't provide proper vacation time surrounding the premiere of Lemonade, your errors could put your company in danger of bankruptcy or—even worse—being deemed "lame" on Glassdoor.
So pony up your $20K today, and transform your musty old cubicle dungeon into an airy foosball pleasure-dome that runs on non-GMO green juice and spiritual corporate retreats to Iceland.
In just one hour, your Millennial employees will be raving, "My Chief Executive Officer is bae! Our Corporate Board of Directors is #squadgoals!"
Don't delay! Call, text, or find someone who understands Snapchat today!
Millennial Workplace Consulting: Because $20,000 is a small amount to pay to get your inferiors to tolerate you.