I Yearn for Death's Sweet Embrace

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Have you felt an acute-but-nagging desire to fade back into the nothingness of the universe yet today? No? Well look no further!


Hillary Clinton was speaking at Yale’s “Class Day”—which I’m told is basically graduation but seems significantly more pretentious—on Sunday. In a nod to a truly inane-sounding tradition in which everyone in the graduating class wears “goofy” hats, the former secretary of state faked out the crowd by pretending like she was also going to wear one!

“I brought a hat too,” she said. “A Russian hat.” (She very nearly put the hat on her head, but Clinton, a consummate politician even when she’s not running for anything, knows that you should never, ever wear the hat.)

“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” Clinton joked.

The crowd was dying for Clinton’s comedic timing. SHE BROUGHT A HAT LIKE THE RUSSIANS WEAR! HAHAHAHA.

Get it, because that’s why she lost the election, because of the Russians, only! I can make jokes too!!

Each day our reality inches closer to a Hieronymus Bosch painting.

Managing Editor, Splinter