If You Win Mega Millions Tonight, Will You Please Buy Our Company?

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As you’ve probably heard by now, the Mega Millions jackpot is currently the largest one in history, at $1.6 billion. If you haven’t heard, don’t worry: the drawing is tonight, which means you still have time to buy a one-way ticket into a future with an absolutely obscene amount of money. (It’s nothing compared to Jeff Bezos, but you know, you’re still a good person presumably, so there’s that.)

Now that the details are out of the way, let’s start daydreaming, because $1.6 billion is A LOT OF MONEY. How on Earth could you possibly spend $1.6 billion? Homes, vacations, expensive laser treatments, charitable donations that would get your name on a lot of buildings and benches, a cinematic vanity project, several private jets, a meet and greet with your favorite celeb, a trip to space, a football field-sized pool in the shape of giant pineapple—the possibilities are endless!! But have you considered this: owning a storied and reputable digital media company????

Gizmodo Media Group is currently for sale, and while I don’t know the exact going rate, I can assure you with 100 percent certainty that whatever it is, it would be a tiny fraction of your $1.6 billion fortune. You wouldn’t even have to do anything! Just buy GMG, and live the rest of your life knowing that you did something wonderful for the world. You helped to preserve spaces (Splinter! Gizmodo! Jezebel! The Root! Jalopnik! Deadspin! Lifehacker! Kotaku! io9! The Onion!) where journalists can do their goddamn jobs in an age when the free press is under constant threat. You served as a benevolent benefactor in a time when all the media-company-buying benefactors seem to be right-wing dipshits or questionable humans at best. You safeguarded jobs. You let good blogs live. You saved GMG. Can you see it? Close your eyes and really see it. That could be you. It’s better than all the money in the world, isn’t it?