I'm First Lady

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On Monday, Ivana Trump stated the following on Good Morning America:

I have the direct number to White House, but I don’t really want to call him there because Melania is there and I don’t really want to cause any kind of jealousy or something like that because I’m basically first Trump wife, OK? I’m first lady, OK?

In response, a spokesperson for Melania Trump released the following statement:

Mrs. Trump has made the White House a home for Barron and the President. She loves living in Washington, DC, and is honored by her role as first lady of the United States. She plans to use her title and role to help children, not sell books. There is clearly no substance to this statement from an ex, this is unfortunately only attention-seeking and self-serving noise


Both are wrong. Please see our statements below.

Clio Chang, first lady, in response to Molly Osberg, not first lady:

Today is my first day on the job so I am First Lady. Some people might say that makes me Last Lady but some people are wrong. Molly, who has been here for I’m not sure how long, is definitely not First Lady because I just met her and she was introduced to me as “Molly” not “First Lady.” To be fair, I introduced myself as “Clio” but that’s only because as First Lady, I know it’s gracious to not flaunt your fancy title and enormous amount of power.


Isha Aran, first lady, in response to Clio Chang, not first lady:

Clio Chang may think that she is the First Lady because today is her first day at Splinter, but do not let her wily charms fool you. I, the First Lady of the United States of America, have made the White House a White Home for my son and husband president. I plan to use the title of First Lady, which is what I am because I am the one that is currently married to the husband president, to save the poor and bullied children, not seek attention or try to tear the country apart with obscene blogs like a certain ex (aka Clio!!!), who I am not at all threatened by, which is why I’m making this statement.


Tiffani DuPree, first lady, in response to Isha Aran, not first lady:

As First Lady of this beautiful country, I find it appalling that I even have to defend my status against these false claims. Check the records. There is no need to entertain this fake news if I’m the one sitting in the White House right now. I’m about to tend to the garden that the previous First Lady, Michelle Obama, so graciously started. Also, I will see you all soon on my tour to end world hunger.


Libby Watson, first lady, in response to Tiffani DuPree, not first lady:

In my time as First Lady of the United States, which I am, I have strived to set an example for women across America, to be bold yet humble, to shine a light for those in darkness. It is therefore beyond despicable for Tiffani DuPree to call my status as First Lady into question. Think about it: If she’s the First Lady, would she be spending her time looking at ICE’s Instagram account? No. She’d be wearing nice clothes and ending bullying and shit, which is what I do all day, because I am the First Lady. It’s me.


Katie McDonough, first lady, in response to Libby Watson, not first lady:

I am married to the President of the United States, not Lord Buckethead. I live in the White House, not Big Ben or a barrister’s wig. As first lady, I use my title and role to help cultivate new, experimental dog breeds—not sell blogs about anti-American health infrastructures or delightful conferences that interact with politics as spectacle and entertainment. There is clearly no substance to this statement from a jilted British blogger. Unfortunately only attention seeking and self-serving noise.


Molly Osberg, first lady, in response to Katie McDonough, not first lady:

Katie may say that she is the First Lady of the United States, which is fine with me, because I get the sense she really needs the boost these days, though I don’t know first-hand how she is doing because she has never been anywhere near my home, which is by the way the actual White House. I have groomed children in my White House and performed many other ladylike tasks there, such as failing to end cyberbullying. Therefore it is clearly ridiculous that someone’s ex would try to get assigned blogs about being the first lady by stealing my extremely important title.