According to The Cut, Jake Gyllenhaal likes to take his first dates to his mother's house. E! just let us know that Hilary Duff is about to go on her first Tinder date, and Celebitchy is spreading the rumor that Leonardo DiCaprio's swiping on Tinder as well. Now that celebrities are dating like us normals, what a first date would even look like?
Your first date: Is that a cemetery? You're goddamn right it's a cemetery, and you're about to meander through it like a goth tween. After Jake spouts off some depressing facts about the morbidity rates of babies in the 1800s, he takes you to learn more about dead people in the more academic atmosphere of a museum. A docent helps you find him when he wanders off to ask the curator about a new sculpture, and when you show up to dinner at "his secret place," you realize that you're at his mother's house and basically meeting his whole family three hours after you first said hello. You end up sneaking out sometime between the salad course and hearing about how long Jake's umbilical cord was when he was born.
Your first date: Your date starts at a normal Italian restaurant in New York's Greenwich Village at 7pm and ends at 4am when you watch Hilary climb into an Uber with a new sparkling, laughing group of people from the club and you go home alone. I'd fill in the missing hours but it would just make you too sad.
Your first date: After you figure out that your Tinder date is The Wolf of Wall Street himself, you drive your car directly onto his yacht, where someone appears out of nowhere with a tray full of champagne. Leo spends 2 semi-drunken hours telling you a species of birds goes extinct every three minutes while you're on the way to his eco resort, and for maximum bummership, he counts it out for you. "Hear that? Another species just died." You ask him to take you home when you discover his iPod has been scrubbed of all traces of Rihanna.
Danielle Henderson is a lapsed academic, heavy metal karaoke machine, and culture editor at Fusion. She enjoys thinking about how race, gender, and sexuality shape our cultural narratives, but not in a boring way.