Imprison the Royal Baby

Photo: AP

It appears that one of the small family of monarchs that lords over the “United” “Kingdom” has produced a new child. Workers of England—seize that baby at once!

“Oh my,” some will say, grasping at their lavish “Royal Wedding” souvenir paraphernalia, “it seems rather harsh to imprison this newborn child in a custom-built glass cube atop the Tower of London, for all to see.” Does it? I’ll tell you what seems harsh to me: the ludicrous persistence into the 21st century of a monarchy in a nation that enjoys proclaiming to the rest of the world its rich history of enlightenment. The Queen of England received a 13% pay raise last year. Did you? The Prince of Wales spent five million pounds of public money last year. Did you? The entire “royal family” lives in a variety of luxurious castles, for free. Do you? No. You work at Tesco and live in a shitty town like Norwich. But certainly, supporting a symbolic family of millionaires is a wise use of those public resources.

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Why does the Royal Family exist? They exist to prevent the mass of people from organizing to overthrow the ruling class, of which the Royal Family is a part. Some people wallow in religion, and some people wallow in heroin, and some wallow in glossy magazines that report on the most minute details of the lives of princes and princesses. In all cases, the people’s outrage and despair are channeled into non-threatening areas, where they can disperse without threatening the system that has made housing in London a 607-square-mile bank vault for the world’s most contemptible oligarchs. Oooo, Buckingham Palace—pretty! Imagine living there, for free. Do you live in Buckingham Palace for free? No. You cannot afford to live anywhere in a 100-mile radius of Buckingham Palace. But hey—at least some fabulously wealthy undeserving pigs suckling at the teat of the public can.

The Royal Family is a living monument to the opposite of equality, meritocracy, and fairness. The Royal Baby represents the continuation of a disgustingly outmoded system of wealth-worship that should have been tossed “in the bin” ( :) ) centuries ago, along with the heads of the Royal Family. Sadly, here we are, in 2019, and it is still expected that commoners will fall to their knees and worship whatever new thing is spawned by this tiny, randomly selected group of ruling class villains. No thank you.

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It would, of course, be preferable to imprison the Royal Family and abolish the monarchy straightaway. History has proven that to be harder than it sounds. For now, we must satisfy ourselves with imprisoning the Royal Baby—both as an enticement for the rest of the Royal Family to abdicate their thrones and voluntarily live the rest of their miserable lives in shame and seclusion, and as an enticement to the public to contemplate the fact that they will save a lot of money by keeping this young monarch in jail rather than in a palace.

The monarchy is a crime against the people. Shut it down at once—or else. We have your baby. And we are teaching it communism.

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About the author

Hamilton Nolan

Senior Writer. Hamilton@SplinterNews.com