Illustration for article titled In Total Coincidence, Trump Just Happens to Be Avoiding London, Where Everyone Hates Himem/em
Photo: Chris J Ratcliffe (Getty)

Big tough President Donald Trump, who is definitely not afraid of a few angry protesters, will spend the vast majority of upcoming visit to the U.K. outside the capital city of London, where mass demonstrations are expected.


According to his just-released trip itinerary, Trump—a man known for his ability to handle criticism with the dignity and grace you’d expect from a head of state—will be in London for just a single evening of his scheduled four-day visit. Then he’ll jet set across England and Scotland for a series of formal events with Prime Minister Theresa May and Queen Elizabeth which, coincidentally, will be miles away from the estimated 50,000 people planning to flood London’s streets upon his arrival.

Lest any of Trump’s UK hosts are wondering, “oi mate, wot’s all this about, then?” rest assured, his conspicuous avoidance of that country’s capital, where both its government and royal family are centered, is NOT because he’s afraid of seeing this giant blimp of his flabby, orange baby’s body. He’s simply “focused on his objectives,” U.S. ambassador to the UK Woody Johnson told the BBC.


See? Case closed! Especially if those “objectives” include staying away from mean Brits, with their...signs and...words.

Aside from avoiding London—again, just a total coincidence!—Trump might also want to stay away from the city of Sheffield, whose extremely cool mayor has banned the president from visiting and also called him a “WASTEMAN.”

Senior writer. When in doubt he'll have the soup.

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