im the coffee man. make coffee. president
Photo: Getty

Remember when that “Dumb Starbucks” store, an almost exact copy of a regular Starbucks, popped up in LA? And then, shortly later, it turned out to be a project for Nathan For You, the sublime and bizarre Comedy Central show hosted by Nathan Fielder? It was great. Still great today. Go watch the show now.

Well, now a not-great thing is happening: The damn CEO of Starbucks keeps fuckin’ turning up on TV and talking about how being mean to billionaires is un-American. He’s a self-interested plutocrat who is desperately trying to prevent an America where billionaires pay their fair share.

The other thing is: He’s really dumb. He keeps saying super dumb things.

In that spirit, and in celebration of Fielder’s triumph, I bring you the inaugural edition of Dumb Starbucks (Man), an accounting of the dumb-as-shit things Howard Schultz is doing and saying as he pretends to run for president.

January 30

Weather: Very cold.

Dumb Starbucks Man Stupidity Level: Grande

First, MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski asked Dumb Starbucks Man who his favorite president of the last 50 years was. His answer had so many dumb layers, like a well-made croissant of absolute stupidity.

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First of all, Dumb Starbucks CEO, FDR died in 1945, which is 74 years ago. That is almost a quarter century too long ago. That is almost the gap between Twin Peaks and Twin Peaks: The Return. Second of all, what the fuck? Your whole thing is that the government shouldn’t be in the business of taxing and spending for big government projects, and FDR’s whole thing was that very thing. Why are you being like this!!!

Then—just as I was about to log off for the day—our Dumb Starbucks Man posted whatever the shit this is to Twitter:

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What in the juicy fuck is this video? Why does he seem so mad? Why does it cut off so suddenly at the end?

Idiot.

Tune in tomorrow, or whenever he next says some stupid shit (it’ll be tomorrow), for the next edition of Dumb Starbucks (Man).