John Cornyn Struggles Mightily to Grasp Idea of 'Comedy'

On Tuesday, MJ Hegar announced she’s running against Sen. John Cornyn of Texas in the upcoming election for the old coot’s seat, one the Democratic Party has made clear it desperately wants to win.

Hegar made the announcement by dropping a four-minute video in which she said things like “put Texas first” and tried to pull off a couple Cornyn burns, including calling him “that tall guy lurking behind Mitch McConnell in basically every single video.” The announcement also heavily featured praise for her viral campaign ad from her failed run for Rep. John Carter’s House seat in 2018; to underscore just how beloved she thought the ad was, her campaign team tapped comedian Patton Oswalt for a brief cameo. His only line was, “But MJ, what if people haven’t seen [the viral ad]?”

Naturally, Hegar’s decision to loop in Oswalt was immediately seized upon by Cornyn, who sucked any remaining fun out of the already cheesy room by dredging up Oswalt’s raunchy old Twitter jokes and then including a makeshift poll about which joke was more offensive.

The only humor in any of this is imagining Cornyn trying to figure out how to take a screenshot and then edit said screenshot. But even that joke dissipates when you realize that some poor, deranged intern was forced to do an advanced search on Oswalt’s tweets and then haphazardly edit in “Tweet A” and “Tweet B” before mashing the send button.