Illustration for article titled John HickenNOPEr
Screenshot: CNN

Former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper, a former geologist and underdog candidate for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination with an easy-to-mock name, went on CNN tonight for a town hall. It was an attempt to buoy his currently minuscule chances in the race. Instead, Hickenlooper said something really dumb.

“Governor, some of your male competitors have vowed to put a woman on the ticket. Yes or no, would you do the same?” asked CNN journalist Dana Bash


This is so easy. It’s a one word answer, and Bash gave him the only two options. He’s gonna knock this one out of the park!

“Of course,” Hickenlooper responded.

Nailed it! Whew. There’s no way he could mess this up now!

Hickenlooper’s voice lilted upwards, as if he’d just thought of an amazing comeback.

“I’ll ask you another question,” he said, smiling.

Oh. Oh no.

“You aren’t asking the questions,” Bash said, laughing, practically pleading with Hickenlooper to not make an ass of himself.


But you can guess what happened next:

“How come we’re not asking the women more often: Would you put a man on the ticket?” Hickenlooper asked.




This was a truly astonishing performance. Hickenlooper was close—so close!—to emerging from this exchange unscathed, looking like a normal dude whose brain is made of neurons and synapses, not wet oatmeal. But then he had to pull the whole “why isn’t there a White History Month” defense, and it was all over.

A smattering of applause followed his statement, which Hickenlooper, sadly, appeared to be very proud of.


Ya’ll, we’re so fucked.

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