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White House press secretary Jay Carney announced Friday he’s stepping aside after serving as President Obama’s top spokesperson since 2011.

There was little love lost between Carney and the White House press corps. I would explain the reasons for that, but I’ll have to refer you to someone else.

Carney’s replacement, Josh Earnest, is a good guy by most accounts. But Obama passed over several candidates who could have picked up where Carney left off. Here are five of them:

1. Punching Bag

Under Carney, White House reporters were often stymied by reduced access and non-answers to their questions. Why not just print out the talking points of the day and allow journalists to take out their frustration on the heavy bag?

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2. Mannequin

An inanimate object for less-violent types.

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3. Troll Face

Just display this guy on a projector screen during press briefings. U mad?

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4. Gallagher

This lunatic prop comic’s routine made about much sense, and drew as many laughs, as Carney’s explanation for the lack of photographer access to the president.

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5. Jose Canseco

He said he’s available and he’s got all the time in the world. Has 515,000 followers on Twitter and a healthy disdain for the media.

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Jordan Fabian is Fusion's politics editor, writing about campaigns, Congress, immigration, and more. When he's not working, you can find him at the ice rink or at home with his wife, Melissa.