As we, all of us, prepare for this year's prom season, the New York Post asks "Should kids do juice cleanses?" The question has an easy answer:
One Bay Ridge teen is quoted as saying that prom season “is coming up and it’s the best time to try it. I wanted to fit into a smaller dress, and see if I was able to see a difference in my body.”
But there is so much more we can do to prepare for prom and other spring festivities besides guzzle sugar-laden compost. Gather close, my emaciated little mavens, and allow the wisdom to wash over your lithe and weightless minds:
- Know your angles.
Always appear acute.
- To create the illusion of a thinner face, suck in your cheeks, being sure to puff out one’s lips, heighten the brow, illuminate the nasolabial folds, reverberate the septum, and ameliorate the philtrum.
You’ll be surprised at the difference!
- Think thin thoughts.
Focus on single strands of hair. Contemplate vermicelli. Train the mind to become narrow, slender, allowing room only for easily-digestible clichés like “nothing tastes as good as thin feels.” These are easy on the palate and require nary a round, plump, dollop of critical thought.
- Speak in skinny syllables.
Vixens, be mindful of your words and the impact they have on your appearance. I am using multisyllabic words in this treatise as a sacrifice, slathering them onto the page like so much butter on slabs of bread. But you should speak in slender segments, chopping words into bitty morsels. There are calories constantly whizzing through the air — a wayward waft of warm waffle wedges, the bitter breeze of a burnt brûlée — and one must take care not to accidentally inject too many by opening one’s mouth too widely. As such, one is advised to take extra care in avoiding words containing “o.”
- Lose weight quickly by relieving yourself of an extraneous appendage.
- A leg can comprise about 20% of a human’s body weight.
It’s in for spring! And just think, dear dew drops: have you ever seen a portly peony? A zaftig zinnia? A rotund rose, rolling roundly round the road? I daresay you haven’t!
Retaining water? Sob daintily into a beautiful cup (we particularly like this little number, a steal at $365 each). Tears contain salt, which you won’t need while you’re dancing dizzily, darling, like a ditsy druid on dopamine!
- I am so tired.
- But remember.
Inner beauty is what counts most.
Especially if it can be mislabeled and branded as “health” or an “inner glow,” and then marketed to you, the consumer, as an elixir of beauty and health and not as unhealthy, sugar-filled juices depleted on the nutrient-rich fiber that helps you feel full and satisfied, and as a crutch that could lead to an unhappy and unhealthful relationship to our bodies and the foods that fuel it.
- Tee hee. Have fun at prom!